Man, i'm getting tired of being here. I'm pretty sure your all getting tired of seeing me. Problem being, my life is messed up. In this case I need help deciding whether or not I should seek professional help from a psychiatrist. I've already talk to a few people about it, but I want as many opinions/advice as possible. So here's the exact same stuff I told them. And don't take the mentions of anime and use that as an excuse to disregard everything.

"Oh, where to start. Don't worry, i'm not in any kind of trouble. I've having emotional/psychological troubles for quite a long time now, and before they were manageable. However, after the last two weeks, alot of things were brought to my attention, and some things even dug themselves out from past which is all, but shrouded from me. Sure, people will tell me, but I can almost never recall things from 5 years ago. An anime, called Clannad, brought my entire mental state to its tipping point. Limbo if you will. It presented me with quite a few life questions that I honestly couldn't answer. However, this wasn't until I woke up this morning. Alot of people have said that it has greatly affected their lives after watching it, but when I finished it last night at 2:30am, I felt nothing. Sure, I almost cried a few times because it was sad, but that was about it. It wasn't until I woke up that all the questions and situations really came to the front of my mind and I can't stop thinking about it all. In the past, I just thought I was depressed. Then I started feeling like there was something wrong with me. No matter what it was, I just pushed it off, I didn't want to deal with it. But today, its all front and center, and it won't go away. So I feel, I can no longer avoid dealing with whatever it is. Whether its an actual psychological problem that requires professional help, or just a phase that I need to get through, I have to deal with it.

I guess we should start with the root of why we're having this conversation right now. You'd think that an anime series wouldn't spark any kind of turmoil like this, but it did. The anime, as mentioned before, is called Clannad, and its second season is called Clannad: After Story. The anime is set in what I presume to be a fictional Japanese town. The main character is a delinquent in his last year of High School. He hates life and everything in it, believing it to all be pointless. The theme of the first season is about family and friends, though friends more than family(which is still prominent none the less). As the season progresses, your introduced to the few friends that the MC has, and he even makes new ones. By the end of the season, he has fallen in love, and her with him, and the bonds of friendship with his other friends are stronger then ever and they are all so close. Then the second season comes around and its all about family, being a husband and a father. This season really struck me, much harder than the first, but I won't really spoil anything. The first season hit me, because I realized just how NOT close me and my friends are. I'll elaborate later. The second season hit me with just feelings in general.

You see, I havn't felt genuinely happy in the longest time. Years at least. I've lived my life day to day. Sure, i'm 16, thats normal. I'm a guy to boot. But other people ARE happy. Everytime they smile, its for real and they're enjoying themselves, but for me, when I smile, its more out of trying not to look too depressed. I do laugh and thats genuine at times, but thats far and inbetween. I have this constant feeling of sadness and boredom. It washes over me from the moment I wake, to the moment I fall asleep. As far as the series is concerned, it made me realize that me and my friends are not as close as I thought. They arn't willing to go to great lengths or do anything out of kindness for me. Whenever they need help, they always come to me, and out of the kindness of my heart, I help them. But when I ask for help in return, you'd swear that I just took my fingernails to a chalkboard. And when one of our friends was about to kill himself, what did they do? They said to me "Get a hold of him!" What was I alone supposed to do? Why wouldn't they help? In the end he didn't do anything, but it also stands as proof that we're not as close as I thought we were. It hurts. I don't have that support group in the real world.

The second season, dealt with family. You'd think that, that wouldn't apply to me. I'm too young, still a child, immature. But you'd be wrong. I grew up a long time ago out of necessity. My parents got divorced in 04, my dad fell into a depression, and my mom had a boyfriend a few weeks later. Needless to say we moved in with him 4 months later. I didn't like him from the moment we moved in together. Guy was an asshole. I was only 8 and my brother was 13-14. He expected us to do the chores that he as the husband would normally do. My brother mowed the lawn, and I went around did whatever I was told to do. 2 years later, he and my mom were married, and it all worsened. In our new house, we had these giant screens that needed to be switched out every winter. I was nowhere near tall enough to hold them, and nowhere near strong enough to carry them, but I did anyway, because he forced me to. Me and my brother grew up faster then we should have. 2 years ago, they got divorced. You'd think that i'd just relax and revert. I didn't. And my mind began drifting to my future. It was 9th grade, my first year of High School. Literally, the 9th grade was in the High School, not the Middle School. So 4 years before I would graduate, and already I was thinking about having a family, college, work. But thats also when my mind became clouded and I could no longer think straight. My mind has been one big mess of confusion ever since and thats part of the problem. Now I just don't know anything. I don't know what I want do, I don't know how to get started doing anything, I just don't know. I think i'm having an identity crisis. I don't feel like I belong here. Not the forum, but where I live. I feel like I should be somewhere else. But for the longest time, and I know I said that i've never been happy in a long time, but there is a single moment, when I am happy. Its the same dream over and over again. I see it during the day and at night with nothing to stimulate it. I see man who looks almost exactly like me, just a bit older. There's a child, often a boy, but sometimes a girl. And then there's a woman. She's sitting on the floor, smiling. The child is hugging me, and i'm smiling with tears rolling down my cheeks. The house is definitely Japanese in design with a table on the floor with 4 pillows layed out around it. This singular dream, that i've had multiple times over the last year, fills me with feelings that i've never felt before. I feel the warmth, the happiness, everything. So much that I almost cry.

To tell you the truth, i'm very lonely. Not in the way that i'm alone in a room, but I feel alone. Not even being around my family makes me happy like that dream. I explained about my friends earlier. I guess thats why I have that dream over and over again. Like its the solution to a problem. I know my family cares about me, but for some reason, its not enough.

Sorry, too many characters, i'll have to make this a double post.

To another side of things. To take my feeling of not belonging further. I feel like the US just isn't the place for me. I want to visit Japan someday to guage it for myself. I know I shouldn't take anime as a representation of what Japan is like. I know they're going to glorify it and make it seem better than it is. I've also done my fair share of research on Japan, and it seems like its not far off from how certain anime portray it. The day to day life, what it looks like, what the schools are like, how friendly the people are. The lifestyle just seems to fit me better. But i'm obviously not going to move there blindly. When I get to my college years, IF I get there, I want to do a study abroad program for AT LEAST a year. That should tell me if I truly want to live there or not. I can't quite explain what else I like about Japan other than the lifestyle. But something else is drawing me to it, like i'm being called. You can say whatever you want about me in this regard. It won't change no matter what. Thats one thing in this entire confusion that i'm certain of.

And before you say that I might have depression, if I had to guess, I might actually be in a state called Melancholy(though it does not apply to everything.) Melancholy is characterized by low levels of both enthusiasm and eagerness for activity. I am never enthusiastic and almost never eager. Rare occassions, yes, but most times no. And the reason I think I may be going through an identity crisis is because of this: "Erikson described those going through an identity crisis as exhibiting confusion." Did I not mention my insane amount of confusion earlier? There's probably more, but i'm not going to get into it. I've already made this message long as all hell."

And for those who need a refresher on Melancholy and Identity Crisis:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Identity_crisis

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melancholy

I skimmed through about half of it, and that sounds just like plain old life. I didn't really have a childhood, since my dad always beat me and my mom was barely around. I learned some things that I wasn't too proud of, one was learning how to manipulate people. I learned how to lie my way out of any situation. I got beat for lying and got beat more for not lying about the cuts and bruises. I jsut learned how to grow up fast when a kid, but I wouldn't change it.

Later in my life my mom insisted I see a therapist, and truth is they don't do jack shit. All they are is someone to talk to. For me I couldn't open up to a therapist, since that would complicate my life way too much. Instead I just hung out with other suicidal and fucked up people. It was easier to relate to them since they were in a similar situation and didn't try to do artificial shit to try and make me happy.

Also a couple years after I graduated I finally dealt with the majority of my past, since I had no idea what it was that was troubling me. I wrote stuff down to help organize my thoughts and to try and get to the root of my lingering depression. Thing is it will be hard to get over whatever is troubling you, and it won't be a quick fix. Even if you see a therapist it takes time, and a shit ton of money.

Mainly it is up to you to figure out what it is thats bothering you, and it will be up to you to deal with your shit or not. After most of the beatings stopped it took me about 4 years, to figure out what was bothering me and then another 2 to finally find out all that was bothering me and dealing with it.

If you really want to go to Japan then go, but you will probably know zero people over there, and if you don't know the language it will be even that much harder. But like I said before you will have to decide what to do, no one else.

I appreciate the reply. Your probably right on the therapist. Too much money and probably a waste of time. Maybe I just need more time to think things over. As of today, i'm pretty much planning to head abroad either next year or during my college years. Japan is definitely the place that I want to go, and its one of the few things right now that i'm sure of. As far as the language goes, i've heard of a great program that will have you speaking fluently in a language in as few as 3 months. Its called Pimsleur. Its gotten alot of good reviews from people who've used it. As for having no friends over there, i'm working on finding a friend in Japan between now and whenever I decide to go.

Ahh, the world sure seems small when you meet someone who's very much like you. Well, I guess that's a side effect of the internet.

I'll try not to go too in-depth about my own situation, since this thread is really about you and not me, but a majority of what you have said is very similar to my own predicament.

First and foremost: Clannad. It was probably the first anime I truly cried during, and it's been my favorite ever since. Clannad, and other stories like it, always seem to bring out an emotional detatchment from myself. It's strange; after observing a catharsis, one would think that you would feel liberated and energized, but it seems to be the exact opposite. Maybe the emotional impact is too powerful; maybe it is too personal. Either way, after something like Clannad I can spend days in a daze, with a mixture of nostalgia and regret and deep contemplation of my own life.

Also, a constant state of melancholy. I have some friends, and I have some happy moments, but I always feel swamped by the complete emptiness of my lifestyle. It always seems to me that something is missing; I feel like I am adrift without a purpose or destination, and for someone like me, that can be very dangerous.

Family as well. My mom and dad never married; I see him maybe once a year at best. My mom and I are distant, and our relationship is tenuous at best. Every day I socialize with my family maybe ten minutes before we go into our seperate worlds. I live alone with my mom, so it's normally just me and her.

I have also had a dream. It is a foolish dream, something that holds little potential and veracity, but it always originates whenever I am thinking seriously about the future. It is an image of me, living in a Japanese neighborhood, running a bakery and writing stories in my free time. Yes, if you must know, that was inspired from Clannad. I always loved bread and baking, and I like to write stories, and I am obsessed with Japan... the dream is the collection of those three in a flawless, picturesque situation. It brings me such joy.

A feeling of loneliness when surrounded by people; that is something I understand more than anyone I know, maybe even you. I have an anyalytical mind; I also have a dislike of people and interation in general. I am the epitome of the word introvert. Even so, I still socialize because I must, and through that, I make friends because of chance and circumstance. But every day, every moment, I am aware of the emptiness I feel, and realize the lack of human empathy I contain. It always feels bitter and cold.

I don't feel like I belong, either. Not just the US, but in this world. Existence in and of itself is like a prison for me. I am reluctant to explain much more, because it is a very shadowy part of my persona that I wish would remain cloaked. But Japan, just from what I've learned culture-wise, is the most appealing place to me. I'm learning the language now and hope to live there some day.

Now for how my life deviates from yours.

I am not sure - I obviously cannot speak for you - but I think my situation is different because of why I have that feeling of emptiness. It is because there are only two things I look for in this world, and one of them is love. Not just a physical construct, but an emotional one too - I need someone who I can share with, someone who I can find it in me to actually empathize with and care about. It is almost as if everything I don't care about freindship-wise is concentrated to a single person. And because I have yet to find that person, and because it is probably too soon anyways, I am at a constant state of unhappiness.

I also have very little regard for human life. It is a wonder, really, that I am still alive. I could not care about my life less than I already do. I will not resort to suicide, though, because I have obligations I must fulfil - family needs me, friends need me, and I need to find love. I cannot kill myself until I can achieve love, and once I do, I will have no need to do so. Thus I have imposed a Catch-22 on myself to ensure my continued survival.

And to respond to what you have said, it is as I just mentioned - survival.

It's a cold way of looking at it, yes, but I happen to think that way. For me, daily life is no longer about looking forward to an event - next week's test, impending finals, graduation, college, etc. Instead, I simply treat each day as something that must be survived. Promise myself that for the entire day, I will not break down. And it works.

Granted, it seems terribly depressing. But I find that it is the opposite. By treating each day as an individual entity that must be beaten, conquered, I find myself being more sociable and productive. When you live in the moment, not in a state of carelessness but in a state of awereness, you perform to the best of your ability, or at least very well.

As for Japan, consider that your lighthouse. It may seem aloof and hard to reach in your position, but the lofty ideal it represents is actually a lot more accessible than you think. Live life while you move towards that goal. If you plan and prepare and are truly committed, you will arrive safe and sound.

In a less cryptic manner, I suggest you hold onto your dream of going to Japan. Work towards it; learn the language and culture, change your way of thought. Gradute school and search for opportunities to visit Japan. Work towards your goal.

And if you ever need advice, don't hesitate to ask me. Just from what you've said I can see some striking similarities betwee us. Due to a quirk of my brain, I'm able to view myself very objectively, and have learned from myself many times. Chances are, if you have a problem, either I or someone I know has encountered it before and I can at least offer some guidance or just someone who can relate.

Remember though, you'll never get anything out of letting others live your life for you. I may be a hypocrite for saying this, but do your best to live your own life. Opinions and realities should sway you - nothing more. Plow your own path, otherwise you may never be content.

Small world indeed. As for Clannad, yeah, first time I ever cried over an anime. And that's all I was told. I was never told that it would pose such questions. When I woke up, its all I could think about and before I knew it, my mind was in turmoil over it. Questions I never thought to answer before are now front and center. It makes me sick to my stomach, literally, to think about it. I tried pushing it out of my head the last few days, but I just can't seem to do it. Guess I shouldn't though. The longer I put the questions off, the harder it'll be.

Daily life is a tiresome routine. I get up, sit around for a bit, get dressed, get on the bus, go to school, sit there bored for 7 hours, get on the bus again, come home, and sit around for another couple hours before going to bed. Rinse and repeat. Weekends are the only times that I deviate from that. But still, they arn't much different. I get up, my Dad comes to pick me up. I go to his place, I sit around all day in my room, go to bed, repeat for Sunday, except that I come back to my moms that night, and then the week repeats itself. As you can see, its pretty plain, bland, boring. Nothing really exciting and my friends arn't the most interesting bunch.

And we're actually similar in the fact that we feel love is the only thing that can fill that hole. The dream I mentioned, "But for the longest time, and I know I said that i've never been happy in a long time, but there is a single moment, when I am happy. Its the same dream over and over again. I see it during the day and at night with nothing to stimulate it. I see man who looks almost exactly like me, just a bit older. There's a child, often a boy, but sometimes a girl. And then there's a woman. She's sitting on the floor, smiling. The child is hugging me, and i'm smiling with tears rolling down my cheeks. The house is definitely Japanese in design with a table on the floor with 4 pillows layed out around it. This singular dream, that i've had multiple times over the last year, fills me with feelings that i've never felt before. I feel the warmth, the happiness, everything. So much that I almost cry. ", has been occuring at least once a week for a year now. This one wasn't influenced by Clannad, since I just watched that these last 2 weeks. It just made it more reoccuring. My friend told me that it meant I was looking forward to the day that I would have control over my own life and the lives of others. That isn't far off, but that way I interpreted it initially, is that I needed love from someone outside my family to be happy.

My dream of going to Japan has been alive and well for almost 2 years now, though after watching Clannad, its closer to the front. Restored some faith. It'll take a while, but i'm sure it'll happen. Maybe in 2 years, maybe in 5, but it'll happen. I'm already preparing to learn Japanese using a program called Pimsleur. I heard its really good, learn a language in 3 months. We'll see about that. As for the culture, I know quite a lot about Japanese culture. I should fit in just fine once I adjust to it. Moving there permanently though, thats a harder decision than taking a trip. It would mean that i'd leave my family and friends behind. Not a pleasant thought.

In the time since I posted the first 2 messages, I was only able to answer the question of if I wanted to go to Japan. Obviously, I already stated the conclusion I came to. The rest of it though, still working on. Normally i'm able to answer questions by myself, but at times like this, when i'm really confused and my mind is as far gone as it is, I tend to think I need help. And so far, the help i've been given has been just that, helpful. So I hope to get a few more responses, even if its a reply from you, before feeling I have enough outside insight to make some decisions. Right now i'm trying to build up enough courage to make an appointment with my school Guidance Counselor to talk about going abroad.

Well, on the subject matter of identity crisi, it's very possible that you're going through a mini-episode of sorts; something like the prelude to a full-blown identity crisis. From what I can ascertain, you haven't really turned to anything drastic yet, which leads me to believe that you still have some control over your fidelity. I think that this is rather a moment in time where you are unsure as to whether or not you're actually progressing towards anything, which can lead to identity crisis-like symptoms and may even lead to identity crisis itself eventually.

And yeah, if you don't have melancholy I'd be surprised. Nothing's wrong with it - well, okay, it's normally not a preferable condition - but you shouldn't really have too much of an issue with this, it's something that an exterior event or applying oneself to a specific task can easily fix it.

I know that deep down, I may love my mother and everyone else in my family, but it's a different type of love; and at this stage of my life, it is still tenuous and volatile at times. Besides, what you and I have in common there is a want for a romantic relatioship that we created - in other words, not family. I personally need it because I do not feel complete unless there is someone I can devote my life to, like a sort of co-dependency; I do not know for you, but I imagine that it is something similar if not mirrored.

Reassurance normally does just as much as outlining a problem; I find that sometimes one needs explanation, and other times one just needs confidence. So in case you are in a deficet of the latter, be reassured that your dream is very possible - with enough deication and time, it will be a reality. "Dream" has such a fantasical connotation to it, even if it is within your grasp. Do not consider it a dream anymore; consider it a goal, or a reality you strive for. It exists.

i definatly understand what ur saying, maybe before u decide to ask a professional phchiatrist u could ask ur friends cause im going through almost the exact same thing right now and i dnt lik doctors or phychiatrists i just ask my best friends or my boyfriend im sorry u feel the way u do and i hope u feel better soon.

If you ever feel the need, I'm here. I will try to reply when I can.

I know how you feel dude, I am actually going through that too, I feel alone even when around my friends and family, and I feel lost like I don't know who I am. I also don't feel too enthusiastic about the things that are happening in my life. And in the end I just try to escape from reality by watching animes and listening to music. Anyways, I pretty much got a grasp of your situation, and I think that you should definitely do what you want, because in the end, all of us just want to be happy in life, right? I mean, nobody wants to feel lost for the rest of their life.

Give it a shot, don't give up, and just wing it. Who knows, maybe you'll find what you are looking for.

Thanks for the encouraging words, guys. As you can see from my other post, i'm currently planning to go on a foreign exchange to Japan. It sort of came out of all this. Only problem being(As I rantingly stated) is that I may have missed the deadline for the Academic Year, so I may not be able to go until the 2014-2015 school year.

Well, I hope things work out for you. Good luck.

Read your post, sounds like me back when I was in High school (the loneliness part that is). It was only when I turned 18 and graduated from high school that it all changed. I left home far away from my family and joined the Navy to live my life as my own. Now 2 years and 4 months later I am pretty happy with my current life.

Dude your going through high school and still live and depend on your parents, when all that shit passes and you start living on your own you will find your happiness. So long as you don't let go of the dream that is.

BTW Japan is a wonderful country, im currently stationed there and will be here for another 2 years. Im and Otaku through and through so I love the anime culture here. But also the people here are wonderful and most are very kind to foreigners. If your ever come by to Japan I can show your around and introduce you to some of my Japanese friends.

Take it easy bud.