Something's not right with me. Its been like this for 3 years now. Everytime I witness something that to almost everybody else is very emotional, I just, don't have an emotional response/reaction. To most anime fans, Clannad is a very emotional series. People have laughed, cried, etc. when it came to that series. I started watching it the other day and have made it up to episode 10. I stopped there for now to write this. Episode 9 had to be the most emotional part of the series that i've seen yet. For anyone who has watched this series, you probably know what i'm talking about, I don't intend to spoil it for those who are thinking about watching it, so if you don't know, then look it up or watch it. As the episode was ending, in my head I knew I should be crying. I knew it, but it didn't happen. There was no response. My face remained emotionless.

The other night, when I was watching an earlier episode, I felt tears come to my eye's, but before my vision could blur and a single tear roll down my cheek, it was just, gone. Like it recceded. Like it was held back, but I didn't conciously do that. I wanted that tear to roll down my cheek.

If thats not enough proof that somethings not right, then take a more personal experience as proof. Over the last 5-8 years, many of my closest relatives have died. All great-grandparents. When I was told they had passed away, not a single tear was shed. I just sat there, not a word was said, nor movement made. My brother, who is older than me by 6 years, he's going to be 22 on Tuesday, he looked ready to cry. But me.... there was nothing. Not even for my Nana. The woman who babysat me when I was little. She passed away last year. I didn't cry when I was told she passed away. My mother did, both my uncles did, and ,my brother, who was at his girlfriends house, he cried and his girlfriend cried and comforted him. But me, I didn't, and I hated myself for that. I sat around and listened to sad music that entire night, to try and force the tears out that I knew I should be shedding.....nothing. Her funeral was the only time that tears finally made their way to the front, and quickly recceded like they did the other night.

I keep having this dream, but always while i'm awake. In any version of this dream, i'm kneeling on the ground and clutching my head. I look like i'm in pain, and in seconds, i'm staring into the sky screaming. I have other dreams, where I brutally beat people who annoy me. Normally I don't kill them, I just beat them. So much anger. I'm a pacifist, I would never do such a thing, even to those who deserved it. In other dreams that usually have no emotional context, I try to do something and continue on to something else, but I end up repeating the motions over and over and over again. I imagined myself grabbing onto a pool and spinning around it rapidly to slingshot myself down the sidewalk, but I couldn't stop it. Even though it was just a dream, whenever I tried to take control and move the dream forward.... it just repeated itself over and over again and only stopped when I woke up.

And if this helps at all, I have felt things before. I've felt happiness, but i've also felt fear more often than happiness. And those happy moments are so fleeting. One minute i'm laughing with my friends at the lunch table, but while their still laughing, my laugh dissipates, and the smile on my face disappears as well. In moments, I appear emotionless again. My friends continue to smile and laugh, while I just sit there, lost in thought.

I don't understand any of this, and yet i'm one of the smartest kids in my school. No one ever seems to notice anything about me. My parents are the only ones who ever notice my emotionless expression. They always ask me 'Whats wrong?". I never have an answer for them. I can't answer that question myself. No matter how hard I try, I can't think of any explanation. So I just tell them its nothing. They look at me for a few more seconds, but then go back to what they were doing. I tend to isolate myself too if that helps. I spend most of my time in my room with the door shut. In class, I sit at my desk and work alone, then put my head down when i'm done.

The strangest thing happens sometimes, though, throughout the course of a day. While i'm walking in the hallway at school, my eye's just randomly tear up for no reason at all. Instead of recceding like what I mentioned above, these last for nearly a minute. No tears are shed, and my vision only becomes slightly blurry before it goes away.

I've been here many times, asking for help. And everyone's always been so nice to me. I wish I could return the favor and help others as well, but as you can tell, I can't even help myself. So please, can anyone tell me whats wrong? Why am I like this?

Your not alone friend except then crying at one scene on Clannad...Perhaps you understand the situation or reality that everyone dies regardless of who they are...That's what I'm told when they question me why didn't I cry at my relatives funeral...

Yours Truly
-13

I'm the same sometimes... If you read the thread I put up afew months ago called he "Blah Feeling" it's very similar. It's where you feel numb inside I you feel no other emotion. Its different for everyone. I think with me it's just because I sort of accepted certain facts about life that noone else in my family really did. Maybe not. Just find the reason why u can't emotionally respond and it will be easier to share your emotions and explain why you can't cry or feel sad in those situations... maybe u just weren't ment to be sad! :)

I do not believe there is anything wrong with you. I never cry or show emotions either. Even after watching Clannad and Angel Beats and listening to depressing classical music all day, I never emote. The life of stoicism is better, if you ask me.

same here i hold no emotion of sorrow because as a child my best friend died and i cried for days in second grade a childhood friend was riped from me and over the past year 4 family members died but after 2nd grade i decided crying wont do a thing and came to grips with life and death

Just cause you don't feel anything for the show doesn't mean something's wrong with you. They are fictional characters after all, and lets face it, Clannad is extremely dramatized (though I do love it, I've seen it three times) if you acknowledge all of those facts, it makes it a bit more difficult to feel for the characters. I don't know why everyone thinks that theres something wrong with them every time that they don't cry about something other people cry over.

People tell me I'm extremely smart, but my emotions are also unpredictable, and even I don't understand all the things that go on in my head.
It seems like you have a lot of suppressed emotions. This ends up causing a pervasive feeling of numbness and emptiness permeated by seemingly random emotional bursts, which probably explain the violent thoughts you mentioned; I too picture myself doing that.

The best advice I can give you is to be direct. Say what you think and don't hold back any emotions that come to you, be it anger, joy, sadness, anything. (Though I'd advise against actually beating people. Just yell or something.) If you feel like you're about to cry, force it the best you can. That used to happen to me, and it turned out sometimes I just needed a little kickstart.

I guess I never really thought of it as being natural. I assumed something was mentally wrong with me because I am almost always the only one not crying about anything. It just didn't seem right. Whenever something happens, or someone confides something in me, and I just look at them with no expression, they always question whether or not I really care, to which I have no answer.

Now that I really think about it, without a clouded mind, it does make sense. Maybe i've just had too much sadness in my life that I just don't have anything left. Maybe its just impossible for me to be sad anymore. Just move on, and keep going forward, hoping for the best.

>>3 Who knows, maybe I am meant to be happy. We'll see what happens in the future.

I'm the same. Always, when I feel like I should be crying, my face remains emotionless.
I wasn't always like this though. When I was younger I was just as emotional as everyone else, but I changed after a certain event in my life. After that event stuff just kept happening all the time. and after a little while I stopped crying and showing my real emotions altogether.

I think people who had to get trough something really painful are the once who get like this. I'm not sure why though. There could be furious reasons.