guys, i really need some advice. i've been dating a girl for 2 months now. we're so happy together, even when we live states apart. she loves me so much, and i'm madly in love with her. unfortunately, i cant say she loves herself. she downright despises herself. she thinks she's ugly and stupid when she is obviously not! i try to tell her over and over that i know she's beautiful, but she doesn't believe me. it breaks my heart that she feels this way and it makes me feel like a failure of a boyfriend. what should i do? :'(

I used to hate myself quite a bit and it took me a while to realize it. The good part is that she opens up to you. It might not be something that can be dealt with and fixed within months, since it took me years to deal with my self loathing. I can't really offer much advice, since I haven't been with too many people. Just don't beat yourself up, cause her self loathing could stem from a traumatic experience she had. Just make sure you are always there for her when needed.

You're doing great, and you're certainly not failing as a boyfriend. Whatever you do, don't stop telling her that she's beautiful and intelligent and what not. If you do, it could make her feel like you've given up on her, and that'll lower her self-esteem even more. Just try and be supportive, and like >>2 said, be there for her when you can.

you're not madly in love with her. You really really like her, okay, but not in love.

Secondly, she's just fishing for compliments in an immature fashion. Honestly, you should ignore them. As long as she gets the results she wants from doing it, she'll keep doing it.

>>4
Wholeheartedly Agreed, but that might not entirely be the case.
She could ACTUALLY BE INSECURE.

So, in that case. Just every morning, and every night, say something like, "Don't forget, You're beautiful" but less cheesy than that. Even if she says something like blah blah omg me so fat why no one love me or whatever they say these days, just say "you know how i feel, and i mean it". So, eventually she'll either feel like you really mean it instead of you scrambling to say "NOoooo you're pretty what're you saying?!" or if she is fishing, then she'll dump you cause you're not giving her as much compliments as she wants which might be the whole boyfriend status.

and if she actually is fat and ugly, then well, you don't see her that way (from what you've said, you think she's great) and make sure she knows that. but not overly blah blah

>>5 When you're legitimately insecure, you don't go flashing it around.

>>4 This.

just keep telling her that shes beautyful and that you love her and tell her to not listen to the negativ things people might say about her their apinion doesnt matter

this may be an impossible option, but fly over to her to show her that ur that serious about telling her in person that she is beautiful. just an idea~

>>7
While I agree with >>4, why do you think his girlfriend is "flashing it around"? Just because she's fishing for compliments doesn't mean she's not insecure.


OP, if you do want to compliment her, give her something a little more specific than just calling her beautiful. Say something about her outfit or hairstyle. Take note of something interesting or funny that she says or does. Show that you like HER, and not just saying that you think she's an attractive person.

thanks guys, it really means alot to me. anyways, i've been being very creative with my flattery, thanks to my poetic, sappy, romantic nature, and i think it might really be working. i dont think she agrees with me yet, but she's become much better about not putting herself down. you guys helped a bunch, thanks again ^^
ps: in case you were wondering if she really was attractive or not, here's a little taste.

>>11 Iono... your girlfriend give you permission to post that? If so, has she been on the site before? If you answered no to either of those questions, remove that picture now. Please don't post other people's private information (including photos or names) without their consent on this site.

>>10 When you're really depressed, you don't cry to anyone about how depressed you are. When you're serious about killing yourself, you don't ask for advice on how to stop yourself. By asking someone or crying to someone, you're only flashing around minor symptoms to get attention.

That's what I mean. When you're really, truly, and honestly insecure, you don't purposely act like you are. You may be slightly insecure, but in one way or another, everyone is. However, you wouldn't be insecure in a serious manner if you continually tried to dig around for compliments so much that it's obvious to people who haven't even met you.

Some people tend to be very over dramatic. When those people sense that there's even something slightly "sad" about them or their life, they go around preaching to everyone how horrible and ugly they are and how it will never change no matter what they say. Most of those people are, rather than belittling themselves, actually glorifying themselves by making you put them on a level higher than they are.

I'm not trying to be rude; just sharing my experiences here with both my own mentality (before), as well as the mentality of many people I've met.

>>11
Why would you post a picture when no one really actually cares what she looks like? It's not like our opinion of her is gonna change yours and it shouldn't. I don't think she's pretty or beautiful, but she's definitely not ugly or fat. But, she is beautiful and gorgeous and all that jazz to you, so do what we think even matter?
Makes me doubt that you're who you say you are.

Under the assumption that she says things like "I'm ugly" often daily and that you reply immediately with "No, you're beautiful", I suggest that you cut down the times you actually acknowledge and reply. Ignoring it might not be the smartest move, but it's like you're a parrot.

>>12
I've seriously thought about killing myself, and have tried more than I can count. Twice I would've died if not for my boyfriend.
You're right that people like me don't flash it around. One of my friends came up to me and told me seriously that she thinks I'm depressed. There are demons all around, and all they've noticed is that I'm a little sad. I find that so amusing, and it's hilarious, cause these people call themselves my best friends. And honestly, we don't give a shit about if OTHER people think we're depressed. It's not like them knowing helps.

But sometimes, I just get so desperate to make someone care that I try so hard to get just ONE person to care. Mind you, I've only actually TRIED towards about three people that I honestly believed MIGHT just care (in the past six years). And, they thought I was being overdramatic and shit. And, you know. I honestly believe that if someone took me seriously in my early stages, I might not have become as dark as I am now. I was a little girl, scared shitless because I didn't understand why I was so sad and I asked someone why I'm so sad all the time, and they told me that I should stop being an attention whore. After that, I drew into myself and now I'm buried.

Yes, there are people who do those kinds of things for attention, but there are also those who honestly feel that way (and you should be able to tell the difference by the frequency of how often they "complain"). Even the tiniest bit of care really impacts people like us, where it might not for those craving attention. So, maybe putting in the tiniest bit of care might end up saving someone in the end.

This is just my opinion according to my experience and belief.