this would be the first time i've actually talked about this and i'm kinda feel lost so really i don't need the feed back but if you think i would help who am i to stop you?

anyway, tonight i was thinking some profound stuff. i realized my life is super pathetic. for one, i have no real friends. only people that i use to make myself feel better, to get by high school without being a social outcast, and to pretend that im not socially awkward. a couple of months ago, i was hanging out with couple of people i don't usually hang out with mainly for the fact that i was never really close with them. anyway, they started to talk badly about the group of people i usually hang out with, calling them immature, and saying that they needed to grow up. i kinda agree with them, mainly because they were immature and were unhealthily obsessed over a kids show. now i see both sides in a different light and i don't feel the need to be friends with them. only problem is that all of the aforementioned group of people and i are in the french program and there is not a lot of people in french and so were basically stuck with each other. that and the fact that if i sever the ties with the main group that i don't want to be friends with, i will have no 'friends' and i selfishly don't want to be alone.

second reason why my life is pathetic: i have absolutely no ambition. my grades suck, even though i know im smart enough to at least get a B; i don't have a job cause im addicted to my computer, anime and manga, and fan written fiction about said anime/manga; also, im really into writing stories and i have a big imagination, but i've never really gotten passed more then a complete chapter before i loss interest.

i'll admit, i have thought about the 'easy' solution to my problems. once or twice, i have let my mind wonder to thoughts of suicide. never done it though. thought about it, but never picked up a knife or gone anywhere close to my skin with one. a girl i used to know hung herself awhile ago, since then it's got me thinking. i used to be class mates with her, i used to spend my recesses with her for awhile before she got bitchy. her closest friend once had a sleep over with me when i was like 11. and you know what i felt? nothing; i felt no anger or sadness or relief or happiness or grief. nothing, and i continued my day while everyone else cried or was sad or sympathetic. it also got me thinking if there would be people other then my family who would grieve if i died like that. but every time i think of myself dead, i see my brother and i chicken out.

so instead of the 'easy' way out of my boring, sad, pathetic reality, i opt for fantasy. that the main reason im addicted to my computer, it's a tool i use to access my fantasy world and now, im slowly losing touch with reality, becoming dependent on fiction to live through my pathetically normal life.

im going into grade 11 and i've realized why i love the fantasy world so much. it's because i don't ever want to grow up and be alone. i've always had my brothers by me and when my oldest brother moved out...well i was glad cause he was not with the right crowd at the time but i've always loved him and now that he's settled and is having a child, i miss him like crazy and how he used to teach me math. now my other older brother has just finished high school and is home less and less with his job and all and he is the closest i have to a twin. not he creepy identical twin, but the different in all aspects yet similar in many and still love you to death kind of twins. he is my role model and the thought of him leaving me brings me to tears.

so that's it. i don't want to grow up, but im forced to (even though im a very introverted and sheltered person). i don't want to be alone, but my brothers have lives of there own. and the reason im so pathetic is because i don't even have the courage to say this to my parents or my brothers or even confront my 'friends'.

i guess what they say is true; if you talk about your feelings, it makes it better. so thanks if you actually read all of this.

I read all of it. I`m the oldest just graduated from HS and am going to college on the 27th. I to wish not to grow up so I watch anime alot. It`s to bad I`ll never meet you. I hope one day we both can grow up.

not that you have no ambition. You just have not found it yet. You may see that your life is pathetic, but others may disagree. You may find yourself a sore loser but at some point in your life, you made someone a winner. I don't think that people need to find their purpose. I think that their purpose is seen by those around them. What people need is fulfillment.

Try angel beats. and maybe you'll find that even with a crappy life, you are not that pathetic. You think that you don't have real friends? Try thinking this the other way. Maybe all of those guys see you as a friend. Your self pity is making you so selfish into thinking that you have to severe ties with them. They were your friends too, and you had your moments. And as long as they remember those times, you can never get rid of them because they will care for you.

And go find a job. Don't blame anime and fiction for it. That's why people say its a bad influence.

anyway, its not the people around you who are making you think that your life is miserable. Its your choices and all that.

>>1
Errrrrrrrr, huh. You know, the reasons as to why you think life is pathetic is all problems with yourself. (Your brother leaving does not count since there ARE things called the phone, cars, planes, and Internet these days). And those are all changeable problems. Do you honestly feel better just telling us that you're pathetic? Cause I agree, you are rather pathetic. Do something about it instead of sitting around and waiting for someone else to change your life for you. After all, it is and always will be ONLY YOUR life.

>>1 Misery is a sneaky little virus, you know. It passes itself around like free candy - albeit much less cheerful.
Remember this: No matter how bad things get, no matter what has gone wrong in your life, you are never alone. There will always be another person worse off than you, who can manage to live their problems through.
Everything is going to leave some trace - be it a scar or a happy memory. But you'll come to love them both in the end.

>>1 I have to agree with you about the whole fantasy world. We all like to escape into our own little worlds from time to time, but we have to face reality head on and prepare for the worst. I'm not going to tell you that you are pathetic because it's not in my place to judge you of who you are.

I have to agree with >>4. You really have to do something about it. Also, the whole friend-situation is VERY understanding from my point-of-view because I had the world's most worst friends on the planet. I hope you can find a good purpose in your life.

Ah, and as for the friends problem thing. I think everyone goes through that at SOME point in life. I went through it in middle / high school and my mom is going through it NOW in her 50s. Don't think friends are all that cause you only really need ONE or maybe if you're lucky TWO really good friends

>>1 you need a friend like Masaomi. One who thinks positive, and gets you to talk to people.