Hi, Im Kei but my friends usually call me Mattie. I have severe depression, Im bi-polar, bi-sexual, I self-harm, and have attemted suicide 4 times via overdose. I also have a fear of love, so I tend to push people away when I really need them. I was been melested by a boy in third grade, Ive been bullied, used, lied to, I starve myself, and once I was so disqusted with myself I punched my mirror and shattered it. My friends keep leaving me behind every year to be with the popular crowd and one day I realized I was all alone. (it was my birthday and I invited all my friends but not one person came, I cried myself to sleep that night.) Now, I need some help. I want to ask my parents to send my to some sort of rehab to kick my cutting addiction but Im not sure how to tell them, I have a fear of therapists that makes me confused about weather I should get help or not. (To help you understand the sevearity of my cutting i have scars on my ankles, thighs, waist, stomach, wrists, arms, and sholders. I only started cutting near the end of April this year.) What should I do?

I really need to re-read these before I post them *sigh* so many grammer mistakes...

... you could have deleted & remade. It can only be completly deleted if there is 0 posts on it.

I'll tell you what you need help on.

"one day I realized I was all alone. (it was my birthday and I invited all my friends but not one person came, I cried myself to sleep that night.)"

Uh, you obviously have a lack of self confidence, Mister....or Miss. You refer to your own birthday as 'one day'? >:o hao could u? You're special, you know? You may be birthday billionnetes with billions of other people, but you are the only you there is. Cliche, but true. Truth is cliche sometimes.

You should really stop cutting as well, because those hideous scars wont help with your self-confidence thing going on there. Put a smile on, silly. Smile. I don't care if you feel like your smile is plain hih-day-us, smile. Smiling also happens to relax your facial muscles, so you get a naice relaxing event. x3

I don't know about you, but smiling when I brush my teeth makes me extra happy, and for some reason, you just cant stop smiling when you're brushing your teeth. 8D Brushing your teeth also kinda requires you to smile, and it gives you clean pearls, and you get to look at yourself in the mirror being as goofy as you want. Being yourself is nothing to worry about. Being who you are is nothing to worry about. Hurting yourself because you're upset with who you are is something to worry about. Feeling like you're all alone in the world is something to worry about.

Girl....Guy, I don't know, Kei? Kei. Okei? Okei. You're not alone. There are millions of other people out there having the same fears and same thoughts and same hates. You don't have to believe that you're alone, that you have no friends. In fact, there's prolly bout 90 percent of the world that would convince you otherwise. The other 10 percent are people who don't understand you right now, they no speakeh der engrish, or theyre just trolls.

Have no fear, super lemonade staple cow is here! :D Kei, you need to take a long, deep, -ceremonial- wut. who said that? <_<, intense time of sitting outside and thinking over life. Like I said before, you should go outside where there is nature. If you can drive, drive up the mountain, drive to the park, to the lake, to....a tree. But not INTO a tree/mountain/park/lake. Taking time off for yourself, y'know? I mean, people should always do that, since they happen to always get lost in the world of 'quickness and hastey overloads'. Surround yourself with nature, just think. Inhale those lovely dust particles, micro-organisms, and plant gametes. For once think about yourself in a positive way. Where your life is going.

Where you WANT your life to go. (hell and heaven is not an option. :o)

What you want to do. If you could be anything successful in life, what would you be. (Suicidal person does not count). If money wasn't an option, where would you like to live?

Things like that. Make yourself a list of things you're proud of, or happy for, or things you HAVE. Have you noticed how blessed you are? That you live in a sheltered home, that you have a family, that you are fed, clothed, loved, and have a mirror. Not to mention you probably have socks. Everyone loves socks. :D

Don't take things for granted. In fact, thank the Lord you're alive. Have you ever noticed how much of a blessing you've been to other people? If not, well, you should start thinking about that, and maybe start with a nice phrase of compliments....to yourself.

In fact, you don't have to be really spiritual about this, but it worked when I was depressed, I also don't mean to push anything on you or anything so dont take it the wrong way 0^0, have you ever tried getting up and dancing around, and thanking God for the little things? Like, just get up from your chair right now, point at a piece of paper with both hands and hop on your tip toes saying "Thank you Lord for that piece of paper!" (black man's swag voice optional).

I don't know. In fact, maybe you should get more sleep? Sleep helps, like it really does. Just take a darn good power nap. Okay I'm done. I need that power nap nao. WOOT. Don't you worry Mattie, Don't you worry. :D

Ok, first thing. About the friend thing there, when one of ur 'friends' comes by and try to be nice to u knowing that they don't really think of u as a friend tell them something like this "I don't need you guys because you guys don't even treat my like a friend. I only a tool in your life and I will not stand that anymore. I may not be the most confident person but I'm sure as hell that I can make it without u shithead there to bring me down!" If u want you can try and say something like that or make ur own little speech! :D Show those dickheads who's boss! Sorry if this might make u sound like a jerk. I'm sorta out going and this is what I would tell those guys. And if ur really quiet, practice being louder. Try and talk more or go to the mirror and try ad talk as loud as u can while saying something that might brighten u up!

And for for the suicide thing, don't do it! If u think ur unneeded then think of how /we/ the dollars would react or some people that secretly DO care about u! I know if I heard someone committed suicide i would feel really sad! I don't care if I didn't know the person, I would still feel sad! Plus ur still pretty young I'm guessing so u have a TON of things u still need to do! Go and use ur life for better or worse, don't let anyone put u down!! Some one makes fun of u, fuck up their logic! Excuse me for the language and all by the way. ^^' I remember when some retards would make fun of my and I would start asking them, "Why do u want to hurt me? What do u gain? Do u want me to die? Do u really want to be the cause of all that can ruin my life? Answer me that? I already have problems! Want to make them worse?" I just tell them that and usually they stand there unsure of what to do. Those idiots don't know who they messed with! Stay stong and don't try to kill urself cuz ur beautiful inside and out and don't let anyone say any different from that!

And who cares if ur bisexual? I'm bisexual to and u know what, that just makes me happier than ever knowing I'm different and can see people's beauty, girls and boys! And so can u as well! And if u meet one of those super religious people just say "Dude, ur wrong, I don't give a fuck about what u say, and I'm myself and u can't do shit to change me. Understand? Now I hope u have a nice day." I'm sure one day ur going to find a guy or girl that will be ur perfect match and hopefully they love u to the fullest!

Also for ur cutting problem, I saw this really cool way to cure it! So basically u draw a butterfly on the spots where u really like cutting urself (most people put it on their wrist) and so u name the butterfly after someone important or someone u truly care about! And if u truly have no one, then u can name it "Dollars" because obviously the Dollars care about u! :D And so basically, once u name ur butterfly u can't cut urself there or u will kill the butterfly! try and keep there as long as u can until it fades away. U can't wash it off or rub it off, it has to go away naturally. Also u need to wait till it goes away completely! If u still see some of that butterfly on u then u can't cut it cuz it would die! And try that and then u if it worked then keep doing it!

Understand that u are u and that u only have one chance to live. Try and be the best u can and don't ever let urself fall under life's tricky problems! And by the way u do have friends! Maybe not over there where u are right now, but u have the Dollars! And if u want u can call me a friend too! If u really want to I mean. I won't mind if u call me a friend or anything. Also if none of what I said helps then try to practice smiling. Go to a mirror and smile. Imagine ur smile lighting up this world as if it's the sun and the world can't survive without it! Also try to listen to cheery happy music! Like "Firework" by Katy Perry, or "Fucking Perfect" by P!nk. Listen to those kinds of songs! I prefer the really active sings or the loud ones. When I feel down, I grab my IPod and play my favorite songs and I start feeling better! It's been proven that music can make a person's personality change depending on what type of music they listen to. But just try these things out. I might not know how u feel but I hope this helps! And u don't need a therapist! U have the Dollars here to help right? U might not think of us as friends but, "What are friends for?" Right?

Hay sweetie, I know what your going threw. I use to cut to. My ankles and wrist, and legs, etc, are all scared up. their ugly and I hate looking at them. Depression is something I'm fighting against right now to. The last time I cut was last November, so I'm doing pretty good for me :) What I do when I feel like cutting is force myself to call someone, anyone, even someone I hate, and hang out or talk on the phone for hrs, till the urge goes away.
Your not alone in this. And don't kill yourself please. :) I bet your a beautiful person with lots of love all around you. All you have to do is open your eyes to see it and open you heart to feel it. It's hard to do and sometimes hurts, but you can do it! Where are you from? Go into your country's thread and ask if someone there will be you phone buddy. Someone that you can call whenever your feeling down. If your in the US, I'll even be your phone buddy. We can help each other out.

Oh and sorry if I'm taking up a lot of space. ^^' But I forgot something! Look at urself in the mirror. Write a list of everything bad that u see. Then crumple up the paper or rip it or do whatever u want to the paper, just make sure u trash it somehow, I would prefer to burn in xD. Oh yeah so now all that u think badly about urself is gone! Think of all the bad things about u were with that paper and now they are gone! Now look at urself in the mirror again. Then get a paper and write down everything good about u! Make a little poem or maybe a catchy tune with it! If u want, u can post it in the Literature section and explain why u made this! So now, all ur good things are unleashed and shining as bright as a star and all can see ur beauty and awesomeness! I hope it works and that u take a break from ur sad little self and go and take a break and show off ur awesome fun self! :D And like I said, sorry if I'm taking up a lot of space. ^^'

Thanks guys, I couldnt help but smile when I saw that people actually supported me. To answer some of your questions YES I am a GIRL, 14 soon to be 15 in August. I might just take your advice sometime, usually I write poems when Im down so Ill try to do that insted. Again, thank you all very much, Ive never felt more loved :)

>>9 Share some of your poetry on the thread in Literature. I'd like to read some of it. I'm looking forward to working with you on Maniacal Clockwork.

The birthday part reminds me of my party all the people I invited didn't come but people my sister invited came after that I don't like to have b-day party and during the summer I felt so depressed that I drugged myself and after that when ever I get depressed I take alot of pills to ease myself my parents don't even notice though. I say dig up the courage to tell your parents if u do I' ll tell mine about my pill problem ok so if I lived were I live then I would most definitely be your and wont abandon you

I ment if u lived were I live

>>9 We love you! Don't you ever forget that! When it seams like nobody else does, the Dollars are always here for you! :) You can always come to us, we'll be here for you.