Hi, i don't really know if anyone will read this.I've never told anyone about my life-I've never really trusted anyone(not that anyone really understands or listens to me), but i think the people who actually take the time to read will understand.
i'll start by telling about myself,i'm 12, i just turned 12 in january, but been through alot i guess,i can't trust anyone, cant love myself or love others.i have terrible self-esteem.i'm bi-polar, i'll either be happy and hide my pain or be super depressed and quiet. i'll either wear bright colors or all black and sometimes red. i love things like pokemon and lots of video games. i like green day, three days grace, breaking bejamin,black veil brides,skillet,panic at the disco,metallica,nightwish,nico nico chorus, and vocaloid. i bike 4.6 miles to school and back everyday,and i live with my dad.i've gotten hit by a car pretty hard (i went flying)and i actually thought it was fun-i'm wierd like that.my only best friend i've really had (and the only girl i really like,who treats me like shit), when i told her she ignored me and went to talk to her other friend, i told my other friend Alex. he's an asshole. he laughed and made fun of the fact it was extremely painful to bend my knees in P.E. class later.i'm really smart (or so everyone tells me..) and in all advanced gifted classs, but i'm an under-achiever.i have a messed up sense of humor when it comes to myself, when i got up hit by the car i immediately got up, laughed and repeatedly apologized to the driver and told her i'd be fine to head home.
but being a car wasn't the worst thing to happen to me-not by far
when i was 7 i believe, my parents started to drift apart, my mother would yell at my dad and kick him out alot,she'd then yell at us saying everything is our fault (my big brother and sister who are twins and me), we'd get kicked out of the house often, not long after my dad was officially kicked out, i didn't really know what had happened, i treated it as just a normal divorce, oh "mommy and daddy must not love each other anymore i guess, oh well." i was a very distant child, i would rather play with animals then other children, i could understand them better and they could understand me, more then that, i didn't like other children, i was convince we weren't of the same level-not able to communicate.Anyways, after my dad left, my siblings and i had to do more work now, we were treated as slaves until i was 11, i won't say more. as for school, i would always do my best, getting all "A"s mostly, since i would get pretty much killed each friday when she saw my grades and they weren't all "a"s.She never praised me.ever.not once. not when i'd get a 100% on my projects, not when i'd make a drawing. she would yell at me in front of everyone (bustop) if i got a "b", god forbid if i got a "c", i would cry if i got one, knowing what would happen.i walked to school every day and got up by myself.my dad broke into our house when i was 9. he wanted his things (my mom kicked him out without them), after that my mother began to tell me things that were untrue about him, they started out little, but by the time i was 10, they turned out into outrageous things that i can't believe that i believed her. That he had tiny cameras in out house watching out every move.that there were lasers in her room that only hurt her.that my dad had installed a microchip in her shoulder.etc..after i was 7 my mother made us buy ourselves our own things for Christmas (we weren't even christian really, only in name, didn't even go to church once), then on the day of it she would cry and cry, making us guilty screaming obscene things, she would then proceed to take all of our gifts that we had payed for to her room and never gave them back. My mom had always gave other kids in my classes gifts on their birthdays to make herself seem nice. for my own birthday she gave me a worse present then she had given to the person i hated in my class.she always did that, so i was used to it.every morning she would wake up at 12:00 or later, yell at us, call us liars, cry, i would then make her breakfast.she never thanked me. she would then sit down on the couch, turn on the t.v. and make us return to out manual labor.she would then go back up to her room and do whatever.she never helped us do anything. me and my siblings always ate alone, in a back room. my mom would always call me fat and make fun of me.always.whenever she actually left the house she would make a point to talk to some stranger and talk about my weight, and make sure i was listening.thats how i got so self-conscious. every day i would tell my mom that i loved her.every day.she never said she loved me back.ever.oen day when i was 11, she decided to tell me she was dying. i cryed endlessly, she layed on the couch, all high and mighty as usual, and she said that it was my dad that was making me suffer, she made me promise that i would never turn on her-to always be loyal, and to hate my father.you know, with all the lies she'd fed me, i already did.Of course she didn't die.when the court finally decided to have me visit my dad, i was terrified. i thought he'd kill me, when i came back i was so confused, my dad was such a nice guy! i hadn't seen him in years. as soon as i got back my mom questioned me. if i ever dared to say something hinting that he was nice she would hiss and scream at me telling me i was a traitor.i hated going home.
when i was a little older (still 11) I was told something that changed me.
something that made me realize how my life was just a lie
my mom had paranoia schizophrenia.
it had started since i was born
i of course blamed myself for this, just like i blamed myself for everything else.i could never trust anyone ever again. i lived my life through a screen, i always would just think "its not my life, nothing actually happened. its just some messed up anime that i got to into, nothing really happened.i'm fine" of course this isn't the case. i've hated myself ever since then.i never believed i could be loved.not by anyone, if anyone would ever ask me out, i would laugh, i would think "you're not serious!they can't be serious!who would ever love me!?"I would smile at them in my mind, as if they had shared a funny joke with me, in real life though i would make up an excuse, any excuse. any at all. anything to help myself from getting hurt again.
anything.

So, what do you want us to do? :| It this thread just supposed to be you venting about your life? 'cuz we have other threads for that. Also, proper English please. It's difficult to understand what you're saying.

I would comment on the contents, but you haven't asked us to say or do anything, so I'll just sit here and wait for you to explain the point of this to me.

I kind of just wanted to let it out, it hurts to keep it all in,I also maybe wanted someone to help me emotionally (as much as I hate admitting I need help) also, isn't this the personal thread? there was actually a thread on this saying this exactly "For people seeking personal help, life advice, or counseling.", where else exactly could this go? as for the proper English, i'm very sorry for that. but i really just wanted to get it all out and maybe somebody who cared could tell me something like that it'd be okay, since that's really all I've ever wanted, since no one gives a shit about me.

>>3 Then, I'll tell you this: It'll be okay.

Your life sounds like it has been pretty screwy thusfar. My only suggestion right now is to handle. Try to stay as emotionally positive as it is possible in this situation. When you're old enough to get a job, get one. Save up money so you can move out the second you're old enough to. Then, just move on. You don't know what is going to happen next. That is up to you. Life can change drastically, and out of no where it can go from great to horrible. With a little bit of effort, you will be able to grow into a happy life and not have to deal with what you're dealing with now.

Look at the positive side of things, and remember that there are people in worse situations, even if it's hard to accept that your life isn't anywhere near rock bottom. You've got room for it to get better or worse. Good decisions will make it better, and bad decisions will make it worse. Be careful, be strong, and don't think too hard.

As for where this would go, it can stay here now that you've stated what you wanted ;O

I agree with barabisama you just got to look at the positive side of things no matter what life throws at you. my life has gone through many changes that I thought would never happen and I gotten you of my saddness. just keep your head high!

I have read your whole story and you are the bravest person I've heard of for getting through something like this. Stay strong and believe that your life will get better.

I cannot really say something helpful, since I've never gone through any of this, but really: try to hang on. You can always make things get better, even if it is only a little bit.
Smile, the world won't ever be as bad as you think :)

thanks you guys :D, i try my best to stay positive also>>4 i am going to get a job soon as i'm 14, but i think that things will get better, i mean, I've already been pretty lucky-i mean, i'm bit dead yet right?

I can sort of understand what you're going through. My childhood was just as complicated just was filled with a lot of running. Just always know that life always has another choice and another side. Simple quantum mechanics; Always more than one probability. It's just your job to pick the one you want. Mothers will be mothers but just remember who you are. You are always meant to be placed first.

As for trust issues you'll always need one person to trust, be it online or in RL. Things like that may be hard but it's good for you. Don't ever say no one cares about you, there are people who do. The Dollars do as you can tell. Also set a goal in your life, something that you can truly grasp and you'll truly want.

Good luck and keep fighting. I went through something similar and I'm a most defiantly looking at life on the flip side, so it is a possible choice.

When you get a job make sure you get your check where you work because what I am thinking your mom can't be trusted after I read what you got to say. You might want to have better people skills because you don't trust anyone which can be hard when working with others. Remember there is always hope when there seem to be none and keep on moving in life (no matter how hard it may be and how far you get push back) because if you stop there is no telling how long it will take you to get back to that spot.

me my friend is gonna exchange soon my classmates teases with bad stuff like im a prostitute im grade 5 my mom is suicidal since my dad has anoyher woman and this problems are distracting me from my studies and im also thinking of suicidal thoughts but im not actually thinking of killing my self

Im so sorry to hear all this. It's good to live with your dad, he seems to actually love you other than your mother (are your siblings ok too?). I just got a few things to say.
1. When you go through a phase of suffering always remember to never be defeated. If you can stand and take all the hits all the way through you will become a stronger person; always. Learn and never regret the past; be happy that you did suffer in your life because that it what makes you strong. Many people become defeated by these; if that happens turn poison into medicine and become stronger. Always pursue strength in your heart and your mind.
2. Your mother sounds like a terrible person; but you are her son. You may be the only one to be able to help her overcome this hell she is going through. I understand if you don't wish to help her; especially if it is impossible to achieve. But if you think you can, and you got a plan then do it. Everything ugly can turn beautiful (that's the beauty of life).
3. Your different, but it don't mean shit. I spend 70% of my paycheck on anime figures and DVDs (I get shit about it all the time on my ship) but it don't matter to me because it makes me happy; and it's not a self destructive behavior ether so im not worried about it. Point is, do what makes you happy and forget the rest. Life is meant to be lives happily so go at it and never stop; shit if your good enough at it it may affect other peoples lives too; in a good way of course!

All I got to say to you bro, your a good person in my book. I treat the Dollars like the Navy; as family. I am happy to help anyone with anything. Take care!

>>1 You say you're in all advanced classes. By "underachiever", I hope you mean that you knowingly sucked at English in this post. Please try harder with that next time.

Another point I'd like to make is that you claim you've never told anyone. If that's the case, what on earth made you think posting it on a public forum was the best way to start telling people, regardless if it's the Dollars or not?

This seems overdramatized, but I'll go with it because you deserve the benefit of the doubt.


Those concerns set aside, I feel sorry for your situation. If you were a student in my district, I'd gladly hang out, and be your friend. Sounds like you really need one.

>>12 This. All of it. With the exception of the spelling/grammar mistakes, anyway.

Mmmmmm does your mother have drug issues? Not meaning to be overly blunt but yea. Sounds like child protective services wouldve been a good idea.

>>14 she has a really bad alcohol problem, me, my brother and sister had tried that, they didn't listen or believe us. thing is, my mom would always appear to be the nicest person on Earth to other people, but not to us. she would make other people food while we made our own, she would give amazing presents to others and we would get nothing, she would smile at others but scream and frown at us.

>>2 dont be such a douche man, she shared some personal stuff with us

>>16 You didn't read >>4, did you? You probably should.

i think im in love o.o

>>20 Ike,

she was talking solely about the problems and hardships she's endured throughout her life.

Are you a sadist?

>>20 why are you in love?

>>20 That's kinda weird dude, falling in love with the sadness of a girl...too harsh to even describe.

But, miss, I hope you shall find some sort of silver lining to all of this, and hopefully your mother will go through rehab...though, if you and your siblings had finally learned of what your mother has, then why hasn't anyone sent you three to live with your father?

Well, your story reminds me of a book i had just read, Book Girl: & the suisidle mime. not saying that your suisidle. #ut in this book, it shows how the best love storys, are the most tradjic. you are just like takati. Your life may be low right now, but love is the most exstravigent of feelings, as long as your in lofe the" puss in you heart would stay clear, and you'll feal purifide." Just keep yourself happy, if not for you, for us.

Sincerly, Zachary T. Maddux

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. Just remember to try and stay positive and to always look on the bright side of life. Try some coping strategies to help yourself through the thick of it. Do you listen to or play music? Music is amazing because of how it can change your mood instantly. Have you tried talking to your school's counselor? Child services may not believe you, but surely they would believe him/her. Best wishes to you. :)

I know how u feel
I have had a really bad life as well , but if there is one thing that i can tell you personally its that theres light at the end of the long tunnel , things may seem grim now but everything will get better as time goes on , trust me .
thank you for your time
X

im gonna be completely honest here i only read about have of that ~(-3-)~ up to around the divorce part and i want to tell you three things 1st your not weird your unique making you better then most people 2nd talk to more people if you want better/more friends -_- 3rd that is a normal divorce when your younger you see your parents as perfect but later during hard times you can see that there just as bad as the rest of us its not your fault you just need to be stronger and more independent

yes you are unique try to do everything you can to have fun and just try not to get on your moms bad side

>>28 change your damn name.

-_-" nooo don't "try not to get on your mothers bad side" stick up for yourself if you did nothing wrong you shouldn't be hiding and trying not to annoy her you should be making her listen to you and show her that she is wrong.

>>23 I do live with my dad now fortunately :D
>>27 well, I am very sorry about how long it is >.< but you can't see clearly understand if you only read halfway...But, yeah, sorry about how terribly long it is...

rolling girl, if no one is going to believe or listen to you because your mom treats other people nicely then make them believe what she has done to you. Save money to buy a camera and hide it somewhere in your house that way you'll be able to record what she really is. And if that doesn't work then keep trying to tell other people. If you can go with your dad or maybe even another relative you might know that will treat you the way you and your siblings deserve to be treated. No one deserves to have a mom who can't even treat her own children nicely. You need a real mom who will show how much she loves you. Who won't take everything out on you and your siblings, who will feed you, who won't yell at you for such small things, who will help you, who will appreciate all that you do to help her, and keep telling you she loves you everyday. Get away from that woman and do what you can to live with someone who truly loves you like your dad or another relative that treats you and your siblings nicely.

first, dont blame yourself fkr your mom's sichzrophenia coz that will make your life more harder.
>>32 idea is good but you only follow princess advice if you not emotionally afraid of your mother accusation of you being traitor.
never give up you can release everything at here, DOLLARS. We will always talk to you whenever we can. NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER GIVE IN!
ps. you are not wierd in my oppinion.

rolling girl I'm glad u live with your father now. I hope you're happy now and I most definetly don't think you are weird but as a lot of people have already said you are unique and that's how everyone should be. To tell you the truth I am very weird but I think being weird is much more fun than being normal and ordinary XD. You should be happy and satisfied with yourself beacouse you seem to be a very nice and interesting person and as Mahmata Gandhi said: ''Nobody can hurt me without my permission.'' and just like that don't allow anyone to hurt you be that your mum, someone you know, orsome random idiot just be yourself and be proud of it. I support you and everyone here does too. Good luck :)

Rolling Girl, you're not weird. You're different. That's a good thing, because the world would be a terrible boring place if everybody was the same. I get a lot of stick for being into the same bands as you are, but bands like Three Days Grace and Shinedown helped me through a time in my life when I was depressed and contemplating suicide. Music is a gift, it can really help you to express your emotions more, so I'd say start playing it. I started writing, and I poured so much emotion into it, and it seriously felt as if I was venting, pouring all of my emotions into a single song. It's a good thing that you live with your father, because it sounds like your mother needs some help with her life. never give up, stay strong throughout, and remember that you always have people to talk to here.

You think you guys would have gotten the hint after it hadn't been posted on for 5 months.

But no.

Of course you didn't.

Thanks for the wall of China that you have presented me this fine morning.

But seriously, you'll be fine.

>>36 I didn't see that. But I hardly ever read those, not to mention I don't give a shit.

i feel ya imean my parantd are divorsed to.it vasnt as half bad for me but every time they wuld see eachother they would faind a reson to yeel i was scerd to death something bad would happen but it gets better just hang in there.=)

Look at the bright side, your dad is actually nice instead of the stuff ur mom said about him...

>>1 When I say 'I know how you feel', I mean I WAS IN ALMOST THAT EXACT SAME SITUATION (Minus the mother's schizophrenia and a few other things).
Trust me, you'll be fine. Worse things could happen, but so could better things, right?
Bad things are going to happen. But they prepare you, they strengthen you. They show you the world in a new light. It happened to me, an I am very content with my life. Sure, bad crap has happened. But eventually, you get over it.
My house was flooded with raw human sewerage a while back. I stood in it, wearing sandals, with wounds in my feet. It came up the drains and into my home. No-one did anything about it - we were just victims of the system, like rats in the sewer.
My life went downhill. Depression, constant illness, living in a tiny motel room. But you know what? Now, when I look at my life then, and look at it now, I realise how great it is to be here, to be alive.
Currently, I'm losing my sight. I'm being tested for serious nervous diseases, cancers, the like. But am I worried? Nope!
I'm frequently called a weirdo, a freak of nature, a sicko. I'm happy with myself and that's all that matters to me.
Life is unpredictable. You never know what's gonna happen next. But that's what makes it so beautiful.
So smile, remember all the good things that've happened to you.

There are these books... The Child called it, A Brother's Journey, and another, The Chinese Cinderella. These books that tell stories that really happen. Try reading it, rolling girl, and you will find that one day, whenever that is, something will change.

I went through almost exactly the same life and still going through cos I'm 12 since December except I have a kinda better mum and my dad's shit so ya... but he isn't the worst and I know that. Well it looks like there are a lot of people like you and iut's good to know that isn't it? My advice would be to do what I did and get a mental disease which isn't the best thing I know and this advice probably sounds stupid but it will get you to see a psychologist that will help with your family. Also you can go on to this website: http://www.childline.org.uk/Pages/Home.aspx?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=childline&utm_campaign=childline%2Bbrand%2Bkw&gclid=CKDkq-eJmrICFQMNfAodHkkACA or call this number to childline: 08000 1111 they'll help cheer you up and don't make the mistake that they only deal with people with serious problems. MY point is... you're not alone and you seem nice so don't be afraid of life. (I know not the best advice to give you but I'm very very tired)

Wow. I've been through a lot of things (some similar and some completely different) and not all of them where good, but your life makes mine look like heaven on earth. You'd have to be a pretty strong person to live through that. All i can say is it gets better. "If today was the worst day of your life, tomorrow can only be better." You don't have to put up with your mom your whole life. Keep in mind your mom is one person in about 7billion people on this earth. What she says doesn't matter. Keep getting good grades, get excepted into a good collage, and move out. After you move out you never have to see and/or hear from your mother again if you don't want to.

Well, RollingGirl...First off: You are truly amazing. Ive been through plenty of shit, and nearly killed myself a total of 17 times. But YOU, YOU lived through all of that crap. According to your story, it didnt seem like you tried to kill yourself at all. I truly respect you. And, I know you might not even be reading these comments anymore, considering how the post gap between 32-33, but still, I respect you immensely. And, trust me. It gets better. MUCH better.

Why do I get the feeling absolutely none of you new responders are checking time stamps

>>46
number 45 has noticed the time gap

Why the fuck are people still replying to this?