1 Name: : 2016-10-19 22:24 ID:Eb+EQa3f [Del]
FeedBack would be Appreciated!!!
When i was 15 my mom was braiding my hair.
She had just come from work.
"My mom is a queen" i thought.
I closed my eyes.
I heard the news playing in the other room.
I felt the weight of the world.
I started crying.
my eyelids were tight so no tears would fall through.
I said thank you too my mom and left the room.
Walked through the halls without opening my eyes.
Up the stairs with out opening my eyes.
I threw myself in my bed,
hoping to never open my eyes again.
2 Name: NZPIEFACE !NZPIEH7uI6 : 2016-10-20 07:46 ID:wkbb7X1n [Del]
Huh well.
The 'eyes' at the end of the lines really seem awkward.
3 Name: Fujinuma !imQYOtW7Ik : 2016-10-20 08:27 ID:5iGlrwmh [Del]
In the third to last line 'with out' should be one word. In that same line, maybe change 'my eyes' to 'them'?
"Up the stairs with out opening them/I threw myself in my bed/hoping to never open my eyes again."
It's simpler, gets rid of that awkward 'eyes' ending to a line, and goes well with the last line.
4 Name: Enigami : 2016-10-20 11:00 ID:1q0cRWYe [Del]
It's a bit prosaic. Are you going for a prose poem?
5 Name: Anonymous : 2016-10-20 14:14 ID:Eb+EQa3f [Del]
thank you everyone >///< and yes i was going for a prose poem
