My Story is only a page long in Microsoft Word, and I am trying to get people who are interested in reading to read this. I want some opinions and revisions that need to be made. I really was hoping you guys would read it for me? And this is only the first page.

The War the Humans Don't Know

My time living the way I did for so long was very straining and tiresome on my body. It was as if I lost all energy and physical presence to really be real. I was wearing thin of who I once was, and merging into someone else's life. I didn't want this to happen at first, but this person's life changed billions. And the funny thing was, the person didn't even know.
Given time, my mind changed from an insipid and hateful viewpoint of the humans to a caring one. I didn't realize it yet, but the whole reason why us mages were so driven to hate the humans, was because we had lost all reason to live. It was as if we were frozen in time never to leave the dying planet we were bound to.
Although I am not human, I truly wish I was. For I have never lived such a calm and heartwarming life, nor have I seen such behavior on the planet I was born to live upon. People on Earth lived in the bliss of their ignorance, but one of the people that lived among them became exposed to the neighboring world they were never supposed to see.
Rolier, is my name, and my mother's name was Shroi. She had always spoken in fairy tale when I was younger, but she did it so that I would never lose sight of the goodness in the world. She would make me feel magic when there was none, she would make me see the light in our dark times, and she would help me value things that I would have otherwise taken for granted. And despite all that, my intentions for an innocent race were malevolent.
In my mind, the Earth was a useless planet with no real purpose in the universe. I felt so superior to them, and I wanted to prove that they deserved to die for their ignorance. I was disgusted and appalled at the idea that they could live so idly in their homes, while we were to stay on a dying planet.
There wasn't much crime before Earth combined with our planet. But there soon aroused a rebellion, that would become known as, the ED's. It stands for Earth Destroyers. I was their leader, and out of all the rebels, I despised them the most.

This is really good, you are a good writer. I want to read more.

Taco_Del_Mega
Thanks for the compliment. If you have any suggestions for something in the near future of this story, please tell me. I usually run out of ideas or words.

I don't mean to insult you, OP, but this needs a lot of work. I see what you're trying to do, and the idea is good, but it comes off as overstuffed and, honestly, more than a little bit cheesy.

Firstly, you're putting more words into your sentences that you really need to. As an example, I've rewritten the first sentence for you.

"Living the way I did for so long was very straining on my body."

This way it's more concise and reads a lot easier than it did. The word "tiresome" doesn't really seem to work in this context either, so I cut it out. Brevity, dude, brevity. There's plenty of time to address the protagonists boredom in the next sentence.

You're introducing a ideas and then just leaving them hanging, without really explaining anything.
Look at the second paragraph. The main character states that he wishes he was human. He finds their "calm and heartwarming" lives unfamiliar and worthy of his jealousy. The key to their happiness is their ignorance, and... "one of the people that lived among them became exposed to the neighboring world they were never supposed to see." What?

Yeah. I really don't get it. What does that have to do with anything at this point?

I'm also not really getting a sense of the setting. It's like you're throwing a bunch of fantasy/sci-fi cliches in my face and they're each giving me a different idea of what's supposed to be going on.

Here's what I understand:
So, the Earth and the other planet are different planets but also the same one and humans can't see the other planet but the mages can see Earth and their planet is dying and there was a rebellion and I dunno.

It's fucking confusing.

Also, the ED's is a terrible name for... basically anything.

I'll leave it at that.

>>4 Thank you Neige. I know you weren't trying to be mean, that type of criticism is the kind I want. I will be posting an updated version of the story later. I will appreciate any other needed revisions.

The ED's I knew that was terrible from the beginning, I was hoping that someone would leave me a better name for the rebellion.

The one talking is Rolier, and that person is a girl. I know you may not want to, but I really want to expand on this story with someone. If you want to please let me know. I give you my email. I could fill you in on the details on the real plot of this story.

My time spent living the way I did for so long became very stressful on my body. It was as if I'd lost all energy and the sense of physical presence necessary to be real. Who I once was, was wearing thin and merging into someone else's life. I didn't want this to happen at first, but this person's life changed billions. And the funny thing was, this person didn't even know.
Given time, my view of the humans had changed from one of hatred to one far more caring. I hadn’t realized it yet, but the whole reason we mages were so driven to hate the humans was because we had lost all reason to live. It was as if we were frozen in time, never to leave the dying planet we were bound to.
Although I am not human, I truly wish I were. For I have never lived such a calm and heartwarming life, nor have I seen such behavior on the planet I was born to live on. People on Earth lived in the bliss of their own ignorance, but one of the people who lived among them became exposed to the neighboring world they were never supposed to see.
Rolier, is my name, and my mother's name was Shroi. She had always spoken in fairy tale when I was younger, but she did it so that I would never lose sight of the goodness in the world. She would make me feel magic when there was none; she would make me see the light in our dark times, and she would help me value things that I would have otherwise taken for granted. And despite all that, my intentions for an innocent race were malevolent.
In my mind, the Earth was a useless planet with no real purpose in the universe. I felt so superior, and I wanted to prove that they deserved to die for their ignorance. I was disgusted and appalled at the idea that they could live so idly in their homes, while we were to stay on a dying planet.
There wasn't much crime before Earth crossed paths with our planet. But a rebellion soon arose, one that would become known as the ED's or Earth Destroyers. I was its leader, and out of all the rebels, I despised them the most.

>>7 That is what I want ROlier to look like. She has to be fierce and a bit of a bitch when she first comes to the human world. Haven't quite figured out how i am going to do that, but I am getting there. Still haven't found a better name than Earth Destroyers. ED's sounds like a disease from the 1800's coming back to haunt us.

>>8 Yeah, it doesn't sound like you know this, but ED is an abbreviation for something hilarious (and sad) involving the male anatomy, so I'd definitely change that if you want this to be taken seriously.

This second draft is quite a bit better than the first, and I'm glad you've taken some of my advice, but it's still far from perfect. It still goes fast from idea to idea without really digging into any of them to a satisfactory degree. Instead, it reads like more of a summary.

For example, you talk about Rolier's mother, and how she made Rolier "see the light in our dark times." This is a great idea as far as introductory character development goes, but there isn't enough depth in what you've written to really do that. I know that the phrase "show, don't tell" usually applies more to visual mediums, but I think that it also applies here. You've told us that Rolier loved her mother, when instead you should show us why.

The character designs are a good idea, and I'm sure they'd help you greatly in visualising your universe.

Creative writing isn't exactly my forte, however, I'm really bad with the whole "creative" aspect of it. I'd be happy to look over your writing for you, however, and to help flesh out the story any way I can.

>>9Thank you so much Neige. I know I have to work a lot on the detail of this, I am just not sure how. I have a pretty good sense of the characters. Unfortunately, my partner who is doing other parts of our story hasn't given me much details. This a bit of a long term project. And we can only talk on Skype. I literally have to work with this sheet of paper she gave. Its basically plot, character development, settings, major events, and names of important things.
Anyways, I have a lot of holes so far, and there's many things that I could use opinions on. For instance, do you think elaborating more on the mother of Rolier is a good idea? I mean, it probably is, I just don't know how much.
Anyways tell me when you want to get my email. I can't post it on here, because, well you know, people might see it and gather information. well you know how that story usually goes. But we should set a time and place to meet in the durarara chat thing so we can i send you my email address quickly, and you can help me edit the paper once i have shared it too you.
Thank you again for the new revisions that need to be made on it. ^^

>>10 Drrrchat can be a bit confusing since you're likely in a different timezone, and I actually have an email address I use for situations like this. Just make the subject so I know it's definitely you, cause, predictably, I get a fuckton of crap sent to me in there. So send me an email here with your skype and anything else I need to know.

wildinferno2010@hotmail.com

>>11 I am so sorry Neige. I did not mean to leave you hanging like that. I got grounded from my computer, and I just recently got it back. I haven't been able to work much on the piece. I am sorry that I made plans with you and didn't follow through. Why I got grounded is a bit personal, and I am sorry, again, for not replying sooner.
But I hope that we can still go through with what we had started, but if you are too busy, I understand. I just hope that when I update on here you will still leave me very insightful comments.
Thank you