1 Name: KionStelz : 2013-08-02 00:14 ID:ve5rvZh6 [Del]
"Do you long for the power to live immortal? Or do you just wish a longer life? Either way I can grant that wish, but the road to immortality is a long and painful one. And when you get it you will have far more suffering than you will ever will in a normal human life span. The source of this pain will result in watching your friends, family, and even loved ones die before you with no why to help... Now if you can live with the burden of that follow me into a new age." The vampire said as he turned his back to the young girl that had no home and was hated by all.
"I accept your offer," the Girl said as she rose to her feet, "Maybe with that power I can find a meaning in life. And a place to finally call home."
"So you want the power to finally find a place to call your home?" The vampire said as he rose a eyebrow in curiosity. "If that is your wish to find a home than that can be done with out immortality. I shall lead you to the means of love and a happy family, then if you still want Immortality I shall give it to you a year later." He offered his hand as he smiled apologetically knowing how the out come of the girls future, but he couldn't help but wonder if he was just giving this girl the offer out of his own loneliness or sympathy for the girl be for him.
Well just felt like writing/ typing some thing and this is what I got let me know if you like it and think if I should keep trying to continue it. I really am looking to both good and bad Criticism on this so let me know what you think with out worrying of how it may effect my ego I'll check it in a week so post a lot and let your friends read it so they can post to. (Please try not to copy other peoples post, I don't think that having the same Criticism over and over will do me much good.)
2 Name: Miss Sugar Plum : 2013-08-04 09:54 ID:B4VWAuKu [Del]
It's kind of stiff, but the idea is intriguing. I want to know more about why the girl has no home, and how the vampire and the girl got to where they are, so good job on that part :) But you might want to cut down on the "as clauses" (does that make sense?) because using too much makes for kind of unnatural prose. I hope this helped! Keep on writing this story, it's pretty good.
