I sat there at my desk writing as the teacher scratched notes on the chalk board the chalk squeeking once in a while sending shivers down my back. I looked out the window at the bustling citty that lays before me. There was a crash and I look out the door into the hallway…..suddenly you see an object fly past the door and crash in the hallway. I get up, I sigh and walk to the door and look you. There is a large student with blonde hair and brown eyes in a bar intendent suit he is standing there with his hands clenched, facing him is another student with black hair and black eyes and has a smirk on his face. “Whats a matter Shizu-chan?” he says mockingly. The blonde hair student hardens his face “Tch, I told you not to call me that!” he says. The black haired student just smirks and laughs histaricly. The blonde haired students face takes an angry look and he reaches over to a locker and sinks his fingers into the metal and crushes the locker and rips it from its hinges. His face turns red with anger he crushes the locker iin his hand like tinfoil and throws it “IZAYA OHIHARAAAAA!!!!” He screams. The locker door flys down the hall and catches Izaya in the face, Izaya falls to the floor instantly bleeding, a teacher runs out and askes if he is ok. He knods “Mrs. Yuri you may want to move.” He puts his hand up and felt the blood on his face and looked over the the other student. “That wasn’t very nice Shizuo.” He stood and brushed himself off. I stood in the room doorway and walked into the hall. “Kasuka, wait don’t go out there!” yelled my teacher as I left the room. I ignored him and walked over to Shizuo, “Nii-sama you need to calm down.” I said emotionless. Shizuo looked down at me and tenced his hands; “Little brother I am sorry.” He said through his teeth. I looked at him hard “I leave you alone for an hour and you end up destroying public property and starting fights, what am I going to do with you?” Mrs. Yuki looked at me and Shizuo, “Go to the office now!” she pointed down the hall. “Kasuka, you st-“ I interrupted “No I cannot im in charge of my big brother and I will go with him, who else is going to pay for the repairs?” I grabbed Shizuo’s arm and pulled him down the hall he jerked his sleeve away and turned and looked at Izaya “The next time I see you FLEA, YOU ARE DE-.” I grabbed his collar and pulled down to face to face. “If you finish that sentence you will be in jail for a threatening to kill him, and I don’t feel like bailing you out of jail.” I let go and we walked down the hall we had just turned the corner when Izaya said “See you later Shizu-chan.” Shizuos eyes widened and his fists opened and closed. “Big brother leave him, you cant beat him outside of school.” I walked pushing him forward.
We walked into the office and I told him to sit down and walked to the front desk, “I believe the principal is waiting for us.” She looked over at Shizuo nervously, “G-go right in.” I nodded at her and nodded at Shizuo and he got up and we walked to a big heavy wooden door. We removed our shoes and walked in and we bowed and took our seats at the two chairs facing his desk. The principal was a medium aged man with pure white hair and pail skin and eyes that seemed to look into your soul. We held gazes for a while and he looked away, I smiled in satisfaction, we sat there for a minute or to and then he spoke “You’re here for the fith time this year, Shizuo.” He stated flatly. “Tch,” Shizuo looked away and the principal moved his gaze over to me. He rubbed his temples “Kasuka, what happened?” He asked. I looked at him and met his gaze he looked away instantly I smiled in approval “Well it seems that you know about the rivalry between my big brother and Izaya Orihara.” He looked at Shizuo and back to me “Y-yes I do.” “Well it seems that they both got in a fight again and I have no idea about nor want to know I was in class and we herd a bang and something fly past the room, I knew instantly brother was mad, so I got up and looked out into the hall and my brother had ripped a locker from its hinges and threw it at Izaya and caught him in the head, I walked out to calm him down and succeded in doing so, the teacher said go to the office so we did and here we are now.” He stared at me wide eyed and looked at Shizuo in plain rage. “You threw a locker.” Shizuo looked at him, “That flee pissed me off.” He stated plainly. “That does not give you right to rib off a locker which is destroying public property and throwing it at another student.” I sat there and lased my fingers together. “You will have to pay for the damage.” That was my que I reached into my pocket and took out my wallet. “How much will it cost?” He stared at me in disbeliefe, “You are going to pay for the repairs?” I looked at him and smiled “Yes, here is this enough?” I pulled out 3 billes and put them on his desk. He sat there and stared at the money in disbelief for a long time. “I-I-I….”He studdered. I pulled out 3 more bills and put it on the desk “This is the money to pay for Izayas hospitable bill.” He stared at me questionably searching my face for answers. My face was emotionaless and blank, “I think we understand each other, now what will the punishment be for starting the fight?” I looked at Shizuo he looked away. “T-that will be 3 days suspention.” Shizuo stood up fast knocking the chair down as he did so, there was knock on the door “Is everything ok in there?” the secretary asked. “Yes, everything is fine.” The princeipal said. “What the hell old man your giving me 3 days of suspention?” he yelled “You want more I can have that turned into a week.” The principal said flatly. Shizuo slammed his hand on the desk knocking over a small cup full of pencils over and all over the desk. “Nii-sama calm down.” I said calmly. “It should be more for all that you have done be thankful that it is only 3 days and he is not calling the police.” Shizuo looked at me and his face softend he picked up his chair and sat down hard. “If you pull a stunt like that again you wont be given an invitation next year.” He said. “You are not allowed in class you can go home and next week your suspention will start Shizuo.” Shizuo opened his mouth to talk and I put my hand in front of him to stop him. “We thankyou for being so gracious and understanding.” I got up with shizuo and bowed and we walk out of the office. “What the hell am I going to do with you.” I said and walked out of the school.

Great Wall of Text!!!!

Great Wall of
/No paragraphs
/Anti-grammar
/Pretty mediocre spelling
/Confusion
and /Fandom.

Apologies, but it was tl;dr for me, and the Great Wall of Text was a bit hard on my eyes >__>''

>>3 This.

ok os i know that i made some issues with it and it is long but i have given it to my friends to read and they want a sequel i wanted to know if the dollars have any ideas for my sequel or characters in that sequal. Just wondering

>>5
Kill all the characters in the first sentence. Then end.

>>5
Use paragraphs. Proof read it.

I'm going to be blunt and truthful with you. I hate the story. I read half of it and i just stopped. But of course, I'm being completely biased. I just hate fan fiction, period. I find the idea of recycling characters that already have it's characteristics filled out for you, lazy and uncreative. That's just my opinion though. Without the bias-ism though...I still hate it. (Course I only read half of it though) The intro needs to be more... exciting. If the first half of the story doesn't hook the reader then forget the second half. There are grammar mistake, but I can tolerate that, juts proof read over it... Also one more thing. The chan and nii and sama and all those stuff is Japanese. They are speaking English. Sorry, I just find it annoying when people mixes language. In my opinion, you should just stick with one or the other.
Criticizing summary:
-Shouldn't reuse characters, uncreative. Solution: Make new characters
-Bad grammar. Solution: proof read it
-Lame intro. Solution: Introduce characters first, action later is what some people do.
-"Sup, nii-sama?!" Sounds weird and I don't see any piece of literature do this. Solution: "Sup, BRO?!" Flows much neatly, in my opinion, bro-san.

thankyou all for your critisism, i undrstand that i need to accept it to make better thnku and i will use this as my inspiration for my sequel

You can't hear it but I just cracked my knuckles in preparation.

Prepare your eyeballs for a wall of text, I'm picking it apart as I go. Constructively. I will include a tl;dr when I'm done if your ass feels particularly lazy.

Throwing in spelling corrections (in the "*correction" format) as I go, since some words are just so flagrantly wrong.


"I sat there at my desk writing as the teacher scratched notes on the chalk board the chalk squeeking once in a while sending shivers down my back."

Separate this into two complete thoughts, please. After "the chalk board," the sentence should have ended already or at least been cut with a semicolon.


"I looked out the window at the bustling citty that lays before me. There was a crash and I look out the door into the hallway…"

Complete your thoughts!! You were looking at the city, and without even an inkling of detail you rapidly threw your attention to something else like your mind decided "nevermind, I don't want to hear about the city." This is the time for exposition, if anything - to paint an image of the setting. Without that, all we know is the city was bustling. But that wasn't even important I guess because you decided to cut your thoughts sho


"suddenly you see an object fly past the door and crash in the hallway. I get up, I sigh and walk to the door and look you. There is a large student with blonde hair and brown eyes in a bar intendent suit"

*bartender

...Okay. Let's see here.

Keep it in one perspective. Since when was the reader part of the story? The reader never saw an object fly past, you did. And you can't look at the reader without breaking the fourth wall. Without warning, you also switched back to third person, as if the reader just ceased to exist again. Pick one and roll with it - I suggest third person, since a mashup between the first and second person perspective is messy and kind of terrible.

Also, is your school setting in Japan? ...That was a rhetorical question I guess, but make sure to at least keep things consistent if you have an established setting. How would you know Shizuo was a student, if he was wearing a bartender outfit? That just doesn't make sense.. and he looks like a grown man.

If this was set in the past, when he was still a highschooler, though, then he doesn't have the bartender outfit yet. Part of writing a fanfic requires you actually know about the characters you're writing about. He received the bartender outfit actually fairly recently, from his brother, long after he was already out of school.


Someone already made a point about mixing japanese words and honorifics with english text, so I won't comment too much on that. Just know that I think it's garish.

... *histerically

Another thing you keep doing is switching tense. At first you were speaking in past tense, "I sat there at my desk", "I looked out the window"... but then you decided it was present tense for some reason later on, with "there is a large student... he is standing there with his hands clenched" etc etc. Pick one and stick with it, inconsistency breaks the suspension of disbelief for the reader. It reminds them that they're reading a story, and that's the worst thing you can fail to at least try to avoid when writing one.


..."takes an angry look" doesn't make any sense.

And you don't need to re-describe his facial expression more than once in a single moment - his face can't go from angry to angry. We don't need to keep hearing he's angry.

Your sentence structure needs work as well.
"The blonde haired students face takes an angry look and he reaches over to a locker and sinks his fingers into the metal and crushes the locker and rips it from its hinges."
Count the ands.
Way too many ands.
Generally, a sentence has...2, at the most. Any more and you're obviously stuffing way too much into it, or just using bad grammar again.


For the love of god, at least spell the characters' names right, if nothing else. Lack of care with spelling and grammar not only shows laziness, but a lack of caring for your story as a whole - like you're not even taking yourself seriously. How can you expect anyone else to if you don't?

*nods

"He puts his hand up and felt the blood on his face"
You have to be doing this on purpose. Come on, you changed tense mid sentence, how does one even do that?!
It's either "He puts his hand up and feels blood on his face" or "He put his hand up and felt blood on his face." You can't just mix-and-match.


"I stood in the room doorway and walked into the hall."
That isn't physically possible.
Pick one, did you stand there or did you walk?!


And why would he be emotionless? That's completely out of character. Kasuka isn't devoid of emotion, he's just deadpan. At the very least, his thoughts might be indicative of some amount of emotion, if his voice was still deadpan. But there's the thing: it's not "emotionless," that's so plain.


Be nicer to your capslock button. You use it too much to depict screaming, when punctuation is all it takes.


I doubt Kasuka would be this in-your-face with Shizuo, grabbing his collar and shit. Kasuka was markedly apathetic about Shizuo's outbursts, so while he might interrupt him, he wouldn't get physical.
That would be tantamount to suicide, with Shizuo, and Kasuka is smarter than that.


"Shizuos eyes widened and his fists opened and closed."
Give some motive behind your actions, please. For all I know this means he got scared, and his hands cramped. It's not in-context enough to know that you meant he was reaching a violent outburst again. I know it's a fanfic, but you should still make some amount of effort to depict characterization and not leave it all to the reader to infer based on prior knowledge.


..I'm not commenting on terrible grammar and sentence structure anymore at this point, there is just so much to handle. I can't correct all of it without rewriting your whole damned story. If you can't find which parts are badly written on your own, I think you're beyond help, or in dire need of an editor whose first language is english.

*pale

What is "medium aged?" Did you mean middle-aged, or is he literally the median age of everyone in the area?

And how do his eyes appear to "look into your soul"? Are they pitch black spheres, as if fucking made of the void itself? Are they bright white, like a seer's? Are they just very vivid, and piercing? Is he casting a damned spell and literally looking into your soul?
There is a difference between giving imagery and shoving its intended effect into the reader's face. You do a hell of a lot of the latter. You're basically saying "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO THINK THIS" half the time instead of implying it, and that's just not how you write without being blatantly insulting to the reader's cognitive ability.


Why would you smile in satisfaction that he looked away, that makes no sense.

Make sense, it's imperative if you plan to write anything worth a damn.


You said "he spoke" and "he stated flatly" in the same sentence, redundant.


"I looked at him and met his gaze he looked away instantly I smiled in approval"
GOD DAMNIT SEPARATE YOUR THOUGHTS
We're in no rush here, damnit. You could have said something closer to:
"I looked at him, meeting his gaze, which caused him to look away immediately."
I'm not including the smiling thing because it doesn't make fucking sense.

No, I'm not missing anything on his character - I get that you're trying to imply he's scary or whatever. You just did a piss-poor job of expressing that in the story itself.


Mother of fuck.
I can't even read the ensuing dialogue. It's so bland, and mashed together. It lacks any amount of structure, and it's so forced. Nobody speaks like that.
And all you did was literally rewrite your entire first paragraph in summary. Was that seriously necessary? From the "we herd a bang and something fly past the room" (*heard) part to the "the teacher said go to the office so we did and here we are now" (where are your commas?!) part? Is Kasuka trying to sound like a chatty little brat, because that's the impression I'm getting.

And I know he isn't like that. He would be more likely to keep it short.

Something important about dialogue - it's one of your only chances in your story to flesh out character personalities. It leaves the biggest impression, since it's something they are saying directly. If you fail to personify them properly, it leaves the wrong impressions or leaves them as a blank slate of boring in the reader's mind.


*flea
*rip


“That does not give you right to rib off a locker which is destroying public property and throwing it at another student.”
Try to stop continuing sentences with prepositions and contractions... sentences are okay if they're short too, you know.
In addition, this sentence is so very...flat, for someone who is apparently enraged.

Since there's a lot wrong with it, I'll try to give an example of how it would be fixed:
"That does not give you the right to rip off a locker!! You were destroying school property, not to mention assaulting another student!"
Note the tone. This is how people talk; they don't just list things. Are you writing a documentary or a story?


*laced
*cue


And why is the principal so surprised? If Shizuo was in there for the fifth time, is this seriously the first time Kasuka's had to pay damages? The way he pulled out his wallet almost immediately indicates that this is an almost common occurrence; that he's used to it. Why is the principal so astonished?

It may be surprising to the reader that he's so loaded with cash, but it shouldn't be to the characters, who already know this.


"emotionless and blank" is redundant.


He got a three day suspension for fucking ripping a locker out of the wall and chucking it across the hall?

You have got to be shitting me.

And then Shizuo was surprised and upset at this? Three days suspension is what you get for starting a small disturbance. It's what you get for writing graffiti on the wall, at the very least.

He should have realistically been thrown the fuck out of school indefinitely for doing something ridiculous like that. At the very least, suspended for an entire semester. Three days is nothing.


...What is this about an invitation now? You sure pulled that one out of your ass with no explanation.


God damn that was so hard to sift through.

tl;dr
Your grammar and spelling are terrible. It's not even, "you made a couple mistakes here and there," it's "you ran this twice through a translator" bad. At best, you need to proofread before throwing it into the public eye optimistically.

Your characterization is nonexistent. I know it's a fanfic, and characters are already established, but that's no excuse to get lazy with describing their personalities through actions and dialogue. No, I don't mean "make Shizuo do ANGRY THINGS because he is an ANGRY MAN." I mean really characterizing.
On top of that, any character traits beyond the stereotype for that character that you depicted were wrong. You made Kasuka somehow more unemotional than he is in canon, and I'm actually impressed you managed to portray him badly enough for that to be possible.

Everything is so flat. It's like you listed events that happened rather than describing them in any amount of detail. When you write a story, you are trying to effect a reaction in the reader. If you don't even try to do that, you might as well just make a bullet point list of stuff that happens.

Final thoughts
I don't think you should be writing fanfics. Writing a fanfic is the easiest thing to do, but harder than people tend to assume. You have to really stick to the characters, which are not your own, and interpret them correctly enough for it to be convincing that you are, in fact, talking about the same person from canon.

Try making your own characters in your own story. That way, you will have a more extensive knowledge of their actual personalities and be able to characterize them with more accuracy - to be honest, you can cheat with this method and just roll with mischaracterization, because nobody will know the difference.

Taking someone else's material and trying to write it like it's your own is an extremely hard thing to do. You can get cheap thrills out of it by fantasizing your favorite characters in alternate situations, but ultimately, if you wanted to write shitty fanfic for you and your friends alone, you shouldn't have posted here expecting the same patronizing reaction.

>>10 >>11 >>12

"All my respect are belong to you"

Hah, I'm starting to wonder if I could send you some of my science papers and have you look them over, but that's not going to happen. /shoots self