What the title says... This is actually a one-shot I'm doing for a contest! My story is about two sisters living together.

The old sister, Amaya, works to support the both of them, but mostly hangs out with her friends. The young sister, Umiko, is homeschooled because the city has a very low income that can't teach every child. Umiko fills her loneliness by going shopping with her friends, but it isn't enough. Umiko gets slightly jealous at Amaya for neglection and yells at her then runs away from home. Little did Umiko know, a serial killer is on the loose and decides to target her. She gets stabbed by him and is hospitalized for a week. She recovers after waking up by her friends(No sign of her sister). Another week of recovery passes and her friends decides to throw her a party. Eventually, she dies from a sudden health issue caused by saddness(?).

My story is too boring and ordinary!! Please help me make it better!! DX What should I do to spice it or give it more flavor?

Not exzactly boring....but ...your story has no basis and little plot....also what city has schools that cannot afford to accept everyone? That simply is not unrealistic. Second, you just dropped the older sister out of the story so abruptly...also you don't die suddenly from a health issue caused by sadness...if you really want the little sister to die, make her waste away in sorrow like refusing to eat....a panel of her staring blankly through a window....refusing to see her friends (that popped out of nowhere apperently)....

The serial killer sounds like a diabolus ex machina to me....you way of stabbing her to further along the story is a bit contrived and forced...actually alot. I really think the whole serial killer thing is a bit akwardly placed in this story..try to find some other way to land her in the hospital. And why does Umiko get jealous at Amaya? Need to expand on that. you can give some motives such as Umiko is always using the money AMaya earns to go shopping...it is her addiction to get out of a stuffy poor apartment that she is ashamed of..the story could be about lost love and regret....please expand on your motives, characters, and setting.

The ending is very unsatisfying. There's no sense of closure, no lesson learned; nothing. All it says at this point is, "Bad things happen and people die. The end."

>>2 Thanks for pointing out my mistakes. I do feel like I'm forcing out the characters. To be honest, my fear is not having enough pages to draw and explain my whole story. (50 pages maximum) Plus, this is my first one-shot!! DX

Umiko is jealous of Amaya because she spends so much time with her friends that she doesn't have time to tutor her little sister. Would it be depressing if the younger sister died of something simpler? Like instead of dying by a serial killer, she dies from starvation or trips downstairs? I like the idea of Umiko not eating during her recovery in the hospital.

Umiko is a very timid girl so she stays home most of the time and is easily startled if she goes grocery shopping or just taking a walk in the afternoon. She is a very pure, good and obedient child. Like THE perfect child any parent would ask for.

Amaya always passes her curfew from work or hanging out with friends and breaks almost all her promises she's made with her younger sister. She not necessarily a bad person. She just doesn't see her mistakes. Umiko understands that her older sister has her own life, but she feels neglected.

The setting is a customized city that I built in. The schools don't have enough teachers to teach all the kids so they teach elementary, but has trouble teaching middle and high school students.

>>3 I don't believe that stories need a lesson to be learned. It's just a story being told.

>>4 You're adding unnecessary elements to your comic here. Why would you go to all the trouble of creating an alternate universe and an alternate Japan just for a plot point? Also, where are the parents in all this?

>>6 Unnecessary elements?

The two sisters moved out on their own because of family issues. Plus, this is my story. I can create any world I like... :/

>>7 Create your world. It would look good. Just don't devote your entire emphasis on the world. remember your one-shot must be catch the judge's attention. 50 pages really is not that many panels needed to tell an extremely complex story. Thus focus more upon the development of the relationship of the sisters...wait if Umiko is a very timid girl,,wy does she go shopping with her friends all the time. And if amaya is such a delinquent....you must explain how that effects their life. Being such a lazy person would definitley effect their standards of living. Illustrate this. Remember before you can expand your characters and truly make the judges bond with the relationship of the sisters...you must make your atmosphere and plotlines logical with less logical fallacies. You could try a sad story of the sister dying ( by the way do not for god's ske make the serial killer story...let's try car accident or something related to the arugment) and Amaya regrets and repents and goes to see her sister ( woh since is so timid---probbly out of character to run away...you think of something) doing something like swearing to be a good sister while running to the hospital....make a plot twist. Umiko regrets doing what she did and sits on her bed waiting for her sister who never comes. Since again...to contrast Amaya, make Umiko the anti-social type who is scared of everyone( connect with the family issues) and relies totally on Amaya. As she waits the sister never comes. show a panel of a car accident and blood. Amaya had always been too excitable and never thought of the consquences. She "doesen't see her mistakes" and paid the price with the unfairness of life. You can end it with Umiko faithfulyl waiting or you can give the news to her and let her die an agonizing death as a catatonic.

Or maybe a happy story of the sister going to the Hosiptal. crying on the ground to Umiko...anything to bring out the excitibale Amaya to tears. The pure Umiko hugs amaya and says sorry and they repent together. If you want to do it this way....I recommend making Umaya the main protaginst and Umiko the foil to her own character. That way you can effectively create decent character development for at least the main character. All said and done please at least try to bring life to Umiko by showing her flaws too.

>>8 I know I shouldn't devote myself into developing the world (Well, I don't plan to). 10reapaer01 was sort of ticking me off because I feel like he was asking unnecessary questions.

I plan on changing the climax of the story and make it simpler. Also, thanks for suggesting to make Umiko anti-social. Not to make her sound like a loner, but I'm going to make her talk to herself a lot. She's a loud and obnoxious person at home, but when she goes out she's very hard to aproach.

I'm also having trouble on HOW to start the story. My first draft of the script starts out the narrator, Umiko who is in purgatory, telling her story to the audience, but I scratchd that out and decided to start with their past and then Umiko wakes up from the dream. There are SO MANY different ways to start a story that it's difficult for me to choose! DX

Since it's a one shot....you can start with a flash back on a dysfunctional family life. Maybe. you must start with a beginning that would capture you're audience. Since apperently from what I'm reading, your story seems to be that of a tragic slice of life...okay then you should introduce to like Uyama waking her from her dream and then illustrate your charcter from their on their daily lives. Personally I think it is extremely difficult to create a slice of life one shot....especially your first one shot....

>>10 You think it's hard for me to create a slice of life one-shot? I thought it would be easy since it's a simple story. :O

Effective slice of life. And besides. Making an easy and making a simple story are two different things

ok ill try it thanks baka in baka

>>12 Thanks for your advice Baka Ni Baka! :)

Now that I think about it. Making a effective simple story is extremely hard in the first place. Now making a simple slice of life......now that's just.....herculean.
making simple action would be easier as there's the flashes and fights and the the sheer rush that would make it effective. For a simple slice of life...you have to keep the outline minimal without trying to bore the hell out of your readers. Makin a complex slice of life is already burdensome. damn...work hard. Read alot more manga for reference. I recommend Honey and clover. Also read lots of ltierature too. Make me proud

>>15 LOLZ!! Luv the picture! XDD

I find making action manga is harder for me because I can't draw people in action yet and I am reading lots of slice of life mangas right now. :)

think throwing a boy t help the girl wth her sadness cause everybody loves an action packed adventure loaded romance filled story

>>17 Well, I originally planned to add in a boy, but I took it out because I'm afraid that I won't have time to introduce him.

I'm rewriting the story now.

Amaya is a hard-working older sister who supports her sister and herself. When she comes home, she stresses out, but never lashes at her younger sister, Umiko. Umiko wants the attention of her big sister, but she can never find the right time to ask her.

As the loneliness and sadness builds up in the younger sister's heart, she turns those feelings into anger and snaps at her big sister. After their arguement, Umiko runs away from their apartment. Amaya doesn't chase after her because of exhaustion. Umiko waits for her sister at the park on a swing. At this point, she is in deep thought. Several minutes as passed and she decides to go home and apologize for being arrogant, but a car hits her before she even notices.

The next day, Amaya is shown working all day again at her full-time job. With her cell phone on silent, no one can contact her. She barely checks the messages at her apartment and is always recieving calls from her co-workers in need of help.

I'll write more later. My class is almost over.. *0*

....it's better......how old are they?.......................................give more personal information about them in order for the judges to connect with them give backstory of why older sister is taking care of the two. Also it would create more drama if you develop the rift between Amaya and Umiko. Yo must give both sides of their grievances. How Amaya says umiko always messes up and never acts her age while Umiko might say it's her fault that they are by themselves. Something dramatic that leaves Amaya in shock long enough for Umiko to run out of the home. During this time, switch panels between Umiko and amaya as they contemplate what they said. You can make them reconcile and then tragedy strickes or become a bit more cruel by making them about to make peace then tragedy that takes peace. That she can't chase after her due to exhaustion is a bit silly and crude....unless you give a reason why she's so exhausted....but then again...just don't go with simply exhausted.

>>19 Amaya is 18 or 20 and Umiko is 13 years old. I think Amaya just got out of highschool.

I'm going to add Amaya's cruel dialog in the story so don't worry.

Well, she's exhausted from working or should I change it?


I'm going to add a part where Amaya gets a call from someone right after she gets home. Then she sprints out the door. Umiko hears running footsteps in the hallway, but it passes her room. Then we found out that Amaya just went back to work.

Good make it sure that she's emotioanlly drained and finally rants about how she wished she didn't have to care for here.

>>21 Lol!! I feel that it's a bit extreme.

Hey it's actually a bit of character reveal and development. THe bigger calm sister finally let's it all out

Maybe have the time period after she runs away up until she gets stabbed longer and more involved. Like what she goes through when she runs away. Maybe the killer tries to catch her at one point, but she escapes and is on the run from him. You no, a little drama/suspenese/tragic story is always popular.

>>24 Well, I'm changing the plot now. Instead of the serial killer trying to kill her. The younger sister gets into an accident.

...wait when is this thing due again?

Sept 15

Sigh... Now I'm planning on changing this story to another... I feel like this story is too... idk... boring.

Yamie, just the person I wanted to talk to.

I have a proposition for you.

>>28 What? :o

So, you were asking about my magazine, no?

Well, several of my authors kinda dropped out, and I'm lifting the barrier of local artists...

>>30 sounds very nice. Yami you should do it....
What exzactly is this magazine?

>>27 Sept 17? you have a decent amount of time to finish a 50 something one shot....but please if you switch, choose an idea that will keep you thinking for a long time. A story that you would truly enjoy creating. This story was, no offense, generic at best and extremely skeletal.

>>30 Sweet!! But I don't have any screen tones to work with and I have a REALLY bad scanner. TT-TT

>>31 None taken. I truly feel like the judges were going to fall asleep while reading my story... :l


Okay, I decided to make a oneshot out of one of my main character's past.

Ibuki, a full-fledge Angel, was born without wings and is bullied by other kids who have wings. They torture him with gruesome tactics(?). They even try to disfigure him. He is too afraid to tell their parents because he didn't have wings. He also tries to get revenge by setting traps.

When they tried to burn him, Hanako, half demon/angel, saves him. She tells him to ignore them, but of course they'll keep pestering him. What was worse for him was that he was talking to a half-breed who has the blood of a demon.... I don't know what to do from here... XD

>>33 I don't have screen tones to work with either... I mean, I'm just some random Wisconsin kid, so...


And, that's an excellent idea as is, I think, as long as you finish it. :P

That's a good idea, but what kind of setting? Would it be something along the lines of some kind of celestial school? And maybe introduce a third main character. I've seen a lot of manga have a strong trio of main characters. *coughdrrrcoughgurrenlaganncough*

>>34 Tell me. Magazine. Spill the beans. Please?

>>35 Of course, the setting will be in Heaven. Young Angels, at the ages of 15 or above, are already learning how to mix chemicals and potions. That's why they're torturing Ibuki, but I can't add a third character because this is a oneshot. :/ Well, I can. It's just that I don't want to. XD

...you obviously need to expand your setting and characters themselves. Seems very flat to me. The Main character mostly. The half demon/angel thing...first explain how that is even possible and also she seems like a foil to me. Is he feeling disgust towars Hanako?and aperently Ibuki is too timid to tell off his tormenters but is brave enough to set traps on them? To retaliate them? Sounds quite contradictory. Or at least does not make much sense.

And what kind of heaven is this? apperently there are families there and there is aging. Is this a different world? something like Earth? Than what makes this heaven so special. And why are they learning chemicals and potions? Magic? Or what? Why is a half demon doing in Heaven? Define a full-fledge angel. Is Ibuki a social outcast? you need to work on your explanations in general for they have many many plot holes and generic elements.

Now for going on....you could create a one-shot that focuses on the forbidden friendship between a social outcasts...a wingless angel and a dirtied, impure being. could have the angel kids discovering the relationship between Inuki and Hanako (why do they have Japanese names?) and telling their parents. AS word spreads, the authorities could try to kick Hanako out of heaven...or execute her ( a rather prejudiced heaven) As they are about to do either one of does, you can create some character development by Ibuki saving her and proclaiming his relationship with her (rather platonic friendship or romantic). After that you can end it with them both leaving heaven but still having each other or letting the heaven people accpet them (highly cheesy and less effect in my opinion). either way make sure hanako is not just one-dimensional as it seems that you wish to make her a protagonist.

>>35 Also why a 3rd main character? Just saying many manga have strong trio characters may not apply to this story. Personally I like the idea of the 2 character f this story. By introducing antoher 3rd member, you have to work out the entire plot to fit that main character and develop on its character and role in the story---something quite difficult in a 50 or so page one- shot

>>35 Comics thread, swift. Look for my name.

>>37 God damn it!! I'm SO horrible at explaining my stuff in words. I'm so sorry about my lack of explaination! It's driving me insane... @_@

Yea... The whole japanese name thingy are just names I picked out a long time ago because it has meanings... XDDD I might give him another name just to cover up his real name(Ibuki).

Let me re-summarize my complicated story.. *0*

The angels of heaven age A LOT slower than humans. The appearance of children will stay at the age 5 or 10 for almost 100 years or more. When they reach around 500 (or more) years old, they're bodies will start developing more mature; looking like a 20 or 30 year old human being.

The setting is, of course, is in the heavens. The children are learning how to mix potions and chemicals at a young age to prevent poison from entering their bodies or for self-defense(?).

A couple of bullies are torturing Ibuki because he was born without wings. Some angels ignore his existence, but most of them ignore the fact that appearences is everything. His mother loves him for who he is and his father pressures him to prove that he can be an angel no matter what he is. He looks up to his big sister, Arch Angel (a nickname given to her for being the top 20 Gallant Angels by God himself).

As the bullies are pestering him a half-breed, Hanako, saves him. Her mother is a demon and her father is an Angel. They both love her very much and sacrificed everything to bring her to this world.
Before she was born, the higher-ups had to decide whether to eliminate or treat her as an Angel being and they chose the second choice. They are also willing to test this new species. As she grows older, she is highly quarantined from other angels because she is unpredictable.
Hanako's powers are unknown for she is not allowed to use it except for her Angel skills, but she can barely stabilize her holy powers because the Demonic energy cancels it. She ages just like a human, but stops aging at the age of 23 (even though she looks like an 18 year old).

Yamie. Doest thou have a facebook account?

>>40 Lol!! I do have one:
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1329163832

>>39 ......the explanation for them mixing potions...is rather...inadequate....self defense from what? What poison? Poison in heaven? You need to explain WHY. Overall your world is rather..lacking in substance really. In the heavens......exzactly what is so special from the angels to the humans? Your setting...you really need to rethink your setting? Are you trying to satirize heaven by showing there is discrimination even in heaven? You need to address that.

Okay now you make it seem that Hanako is the main character and Ibuki is the foil now. Also again the japanese names are meaningless unless they pertain to the story. Their symbolism would be loss unless you show the judges that you didn't put in random names just to futilely impress the judges. Ibuki....means breath....wait why? And Hanako...flower girl...how is this a demon name?

You need to explain me the conflict of the story....Say...something like she can't controll her powers? Quite generic but you can work on that.both parents supportive despite their defects. I would've gone for a parental abandonment and abuse but hey that's only my taste. You can make them have a good family. And how does Hanako not know she has powers if she is forbidden to use her angel skills...WHAT ARE ANGEL SKILLS??!?!?!?!?
Again you need to develop your characters......sorry but your main characters are flatter than most secondary minor characters...and taht's saying something

>>42 Well, I plan on not going into detail in the whole heaven thing.

"Hanako" means flower child. There are many flowers in the world and Hanako is not just one, but MANY types of flowers.

Give me more time to think... My school finals are coming up and I have to concentrate for two more days. After that, I'll concentrate on my manga.